A few jokes

I hate to admit it, but I got a few of these from flipping through Readers Digest before my dentist appointment the other day.

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I.m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

Q. Why was one bumble bee angry with the other bumble bee?
A. Because that bee stole his honey and nectar.

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a terrible fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"

Bobby is taking the driver's test. Jim from the DMV asks, "What does a yellow light mean? Bobby replies, "Slow down." Jim says, "Okay. What...does...a...yellow...light...mean?"

A turtle is mugged by three snails. When asked by police to give a description of what happened, he replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

I can.t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they.re dead.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says .What the heck was that all about?"

Man walks into the Doctors office.
"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"
"Ten", replies the Doctor.
"What the hell does that mean", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine, eight, seven..."

Ryan Byrd dot net

A few jokes