Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

A ring-of-fire solar eclipse will be visible this Sunday on the west coast of North America ushering in the END OF THE WORLD. As predicted by the ancient Mayans, the moon will slide in front of the sun and block 94 percent of its light. HOWEVER, because the moon is near the point in its orbit when it’s farthest away from Earth it will only cover most of the sun leaving a ring of fiery light signifying the end of humanity . It’s relatively rare; the last one was in 1994, but strangely, we’ll have another in May 2013. If you have access to virgins or goats, they’ll need to be offered up to the sun god post-haste.

Check out NASA for more details.

Just like the original, ‘cept with more zombies.

I have hives. Beehives, that is. Two months ago, I ordered bees. One month ago, I assembled and painted four bee boxes. Last weekend, I picked up a duo of buzzing crates of bees and dumped them into the boxes. Then I added sugar water and lids. Now they’re (presumably) making me loads ‘o free honey. (Full disclosure, I don’t rather like honey, but I do enjoy the occasional bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.)

I’m the Lord of the Bees!

Bees are Apis mellifera, which OF COURSE is ridiculous, Mr Carolus Linnaeus, because bees don’t bear HONEY, they carry NECTAR, which is quite a different thing.

And then I made a bunch of bee bumper stickers, which, when you buy them will make me a rich man! Don’t you love bees?  Support your local beekeeper (me) today!

Been stung lately?

Best deal ever.

Dance like a cobra.

in our hour of deepest sorrow, we can receive profound peace from the words of the angel that first Easter morning: “He is not here: for he is risen.”

General Conference Bingo:

This is why I, Ryan Byrd, am now a full fledged Vegetarian:

We humans share 80 percent of our DNA with cows.

If we don’t eat meat, it will shut down the meat packing industry

Cows produce lots of methane which smells bad

Duck or rabbit are always the most expensive items on a high class restaurant menu, but have you tasted either? Nothing to write home about.

Vegetarians are so healthy and sane.

This whole bacon craze is starting to get out of hand. I mean bacon toothpaste?!?

Commercial fishermen use sonar and nets to catch fish which isn’t very sportsman-like

Hotdogs

I’m sick of the condescending way that waitstaff looks at me when I ask for my steak cooked well done.

In a zombie apocalypse, vegetarians (who commonly already resemble zombies anyway) will be eaten last.

Soy tastes awesome, even when not wrapped in bacon.

The research I’ve done indicates that bacon comes from PIGS. Pigs are dirty, not kosher and they write unjustified speeding tickets.

When I go to a Brazilian grill, they always bring out the same old, boring meat. No more sausage, please! Where’s the bacon-wrapped crocodile?

Being a vegetarian means I can inject my obnoxious food preferences into all of my conversations.

Farmers use undocumented workers and illegals vote for Obama (or would if they could!)

thanks, Target…