Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

If people would just clear their ideas with the fine staff here at RBDN, this world would be a much better place. Let’s discuss some examples of bad ideas.

Yesterday I got a Yellow Pages phone book on my doorstep. WHY?!? It’s clear it’s time for the annual, RBDN Things That Are Dying list:

1- Phone books. If you don’t know why phone books are a bad idea, then you’re a dinosaur and there is no hope for you. Isn’t time for the Price is Right or a nap, Grandpa.*
2- Libraries. WHY ARE WE STILL BUILDING THEM?!?– in thirty years, a library will be seen the same way we see drive-in theaters now, something quaint to visit once a year to reminisce on the old times.** Google is (has?) digitizing/ed all the books in the Library of Congress. Libraries are currently just places for homeless people to look at dirty pictures on the free Internet and for college students to get old movies. I’m sorry, but libraries are on their way out.
3- Newspapers. What? Deseret News is downsizing? How surprising.
4- Nightly news on television. “Are deadly toxins pouring into our water supply? Are foreign molesters attacking your children? Details at 11:00.” No thanks, drama queens.
5- Regular non-cellular/non-VOIP telephone lines. Really? You really have a land line? What’s WRONG with you?
6- Any place that sells or rents digital bits on plastic (like video rental stores or CD music stores). No one could have predicted that Hollywood Video would file bankruptcy. EXCEPT ME!

That’s all for now. Had any bad ideas lately?

* Did you know that a new study shows the elderly get a kick out of reading negative stories about younger people. And of course by reading, I mean in VERY LARGE PRINT READER’S DIGEST font. src: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100831/od_nm/us_elderly_news

** thx, jeff

Here’s what I know about Twilight: It’s a very dumb series of books written by a Mormon housewife concerning vampires, werewolves and teenage girl angst. Utah’s Deseret Book doesn’t carry the series anymore because they became a bit too risque, what with all the bedroom wrestling scenes and all. The books-turned-movies are said to feature sweaty, underage shirtless guys which women of all ages perversely enjoy. (That’s creepy, and discomforting, BTW.) I’m told that some females like vampires while other prefer werewolves. Womendom is deeply divided, evidently, over this important issue.

Here’s the kicker– Taylor Lautner who plays a Twilight werewolf, sued an RV rental company for breach of contract. The company, McMahon’s RV, replied with a challenge, “propos[ing] that the matter be settled by means of a push-up contest. McMahon said that if the werewolf won, he would pay the $40,000 allegedly being demanded to settle the case; but if McMahon won, he would donate the money to Children’s Hospital of Orange County.”

Lautner’s lawyers turned him down saying, “McMahon RV’s response to our client’s legitimate claim, demonstrates the lack of professionalism that Mr. McMahon, his company and his employees have exhibited from the outset, and that compelled the filing of this lawsuit in the first place.”

What kind of werewolf is that, ladies?!? Lautner’s wimpy actions have brought shame on real men (and wolves) everywhere. For the record, a pushup contest is an extremely valid and professional way of solving disputes.

src: http://www.loweringthebar.net/2010/08/werewolf-declines-offer-to-settle-lawsuit-with-push-up-contest.html

Yes, I got shocked by the electric fence as I was gathering the corn today. Tant pis!

Do you friends email you funny pics? If not, maybe they don’t like you? Maybe it’s time for new friends. Here are some awesome images for those who are now depressed:

Mitzi’s newest tricks include digging cavernous pits in our backyard and chewing anything made of wood. Mitzi was initially banished from the back porch because she in a termite-inspired rage, chewed up the sides of the backdoor. I bungee corded a large board to keep her off the deck, but she was not to be restrained. She gained one point by chewing up all the railings on the steps up to the porch.

Today I built a gate to keep her off the porch steps. So far, it has worked. +1 for me.

Whatcha got now, dog?!?

At Japanese Grill
Sitting too close to table
Whoosh! My face on fire.

thx, bobrox!

non nerds, please click here

The next time I hear anyone tell me they like AT&T, I will most certainly SLAP THEM SILLY!* And the word “them” in that last sentence doesn’t refer to AT&T, but to the annoying apologist who claims, “It’s not AT&T’s fault, it’s the iPhone, because it taxes their networks!“  AT&T’s slogan used to be “reach out and touch someone“, but they changed that recently because 1- it was creepy and 2- it’s completely untrue. My calls on AT&T are DROPPED DAILY. Let me be very clear: EVERY SINGLE DAY I have failed calls. I’m no doubt a master of hyperbole, but this assertion is true– the AT&T network is the worst I’ve ever had the misfortune of using. Even Cricket, that local carrier for felons and pregnant 16 year olds has better coverage.

Time for a comic:

* Not likely, I’m married and married men have lower testosterone levels. Plus, I’m old and couldn’t hurt a fly. Basically, I’m an obnoxious, loud-mouthed pacifist at this point.