I haven’t been outside the country (or even the state*) this year, which is completely uncool, inasmuch as I am a world traveler of international renown. If anyone would like to sponsor a trip, I’ll be sure to say nice things about you.

The only part I dislike about traveling is flying in an airplane. This is likely because I always travel serf/plebeian class. And that’s because I’m poor. And that’s because I have no concept of “savings” and so I consequently spend money like I’m in the game of Monopoly. Oh look! It’s another expensive gadget!

Anyway, there are two kinds of evil people in the world, traffic engineers and commercial aeronautical engineers. Both types conspire among themselves in order to inflict the greatest annoyance upon humanity. But I digress slightly. In reminiscing of past travels, I’ve brainstormed ideas to help those of lackeys of Lucifer, airline companies:

Ways That Airlines Can Treat Passengers More Like Cattle

  • No assigned seating (Southwest Airlines, check!)
  • Teach us how to fasten our seatbelts (lift the metal buckle…)
  • Instead of providing emergency parachutes, seat cushions can be used as floatation devices in the unlikely event that a crashing plane lands gently on the water
  • Put us to work assembling McDonald’s Happy Meal toys in-flight**
  • Separate us into groups, the grade A beef gets to go into the corral first and gets better hay

* excepting Cleveland

** Thanks bpixton!