In the world of competitive eating, no name stands out more than Takeru Kobayashi of Japan, who in this year’s Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Contest set a new world record of 53 and 3/4 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes.

That’s impressive.

Today is software release day for my company and as such, the company bought the developers dinner as an encouragement to stay and resolve the bugs. They over estimated and ended up buying 5 large meat party platters and 60 buffalo wings from Famous Dave’s. That’s a lot of food for ten people. After stuffing myself on healthy portions of pulled pork and beef brisket slathered in sauce, I decided to have a few hot wings. I stopped at 13, my mouth burning from the spicy coating, and fell into a daze, much to the amusement of my coworkers. I could eat no more. Minutes later, however, they (my coworkers) goaded me into consuming an additional 7 for a total of 20. 1/3 of them all. That was a half of an hour ago.

I don’t feel so well right now.

Speaking of food, I’ve decided to save money by eating exclusively TV dinners. The cheapest of the microwave dinners (available at Walmart for 84 cents) is Banquet. They have several offerings:

  • Turkey Meal
  • Spaghetti Meal
  • Chicken Fried Steak Meal

Last night I had the Turkey Meal. The full title on the box says, and I’m not joking, “Turkey Meal, Mostly White Meat”. What they mean is not that the turkey is ground up and contains a greater percentage of white meat than dark meat, but rather that they include three slices of turkey, two white and one dark. 66% white is “mostly”, I suppose. It’s not the mostly white meat that is the problem, however. Nor is it the florescent green peas. It’s the mashed potatoes. They are horrible. Simply awful. I’m not sure if I have the standing to complain about a meal that costs 84 cents (I likely waved that right by purchasing the food), but seriously, how hard is it to make decent instant mashed potatoes? Darn Con Agra Foods and their genetically modified, crappy potatoes!

All is not lost. Beau Scott tells me that his apartment complex is having a barbeque in a week and that they have an eating contest. He says I am invited. The way I see it, with all those hot wings I ate, I’m an athlete in training.

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