Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

As a part-time artist, it should come as no surprise to others that I was browsing through the craft section of a megastore just the other day. Passing over the paints and brushes, the wooden cut-outs and magic markers, I spotted Kids Kreations’ All Purpose Plaster of Paris. “Awesome,” I thought out loud, “just what I need for my next project.” I turned the product over to skim the instructions when a large warning label caught my eye. It read:

WARNING:

When mixed with water plaster hardens and becomes hot. Do not submerge any body parts into the plaster as severe burns may result. When plaster is being mixed, dust may cause irritation to eyes, nose, throat or upper respiratory system. If eye contact occurs, flush particles from eye with water. Do not take internally. Call a physician immediate if ingested. Children should not use this product except under adult supervision. Warning: This product contains crystalline silica, known to the state of California to cause cancer.

Many things in this warning merit further review. In case you missed them, I’ll summarize and enumerate the salient problems of this vile substance for you:

1. 1. It gets hot. BURNING hot. (Yet, in the application section it lists “Hand prints” as a fun activity idea.)
2. 2. The dust will BURN your eyes and scorch your respiratory system
3. 3. The plaster is likely POISONOUS. Good thing kids NEVER eat stuff they play with…
4. 4. Even with the name “Kids Kreations,” this toxin is NOT child friendly.
5. 5. PLASTER OF PARIS CAUSES CANCER, (at least in California)

And yet, there it was, sitting on the store shelf, ready to attack the next unsuspecting artist with burns and irritation and cancer. Sometimes the most innocuous substances are the most virulent.

Recently I posted the card for Art Festival Bingo, and I received a lot of positive feedback. Now it’s time for the long awaited Walmart version. Here ya go!

You should know that I did a bit of Googling and was not able to find a Walmart Bingo card anywhere on the net. Is it possible that I’ve come up with an original idea?

Also, some have written and claimed that this is more of a Walmart Scavenger Hunt rather than a Bingo game. Hmm. Perhaps it’s a confluence of the two?

as promised…

No doubt many of you attended the recent Utah Arts Festival^* (which continues until tonight.) If you’re like me, you enjoyed people watching because the festival attracts a wide variety of folks.

You were probably sitting on a bench, enjoying a gyro with white sauce and a glass of $5 lemonade when you thought to yourself, “there’s a lot of crazy stuff here. I wish I had a bingo card to fill out!” Then you probably dashed home and coded up a quick Bingo script and then created a Utah Arts Festival Bingo card for your own amusement. Gosh, we’re more alike than I thought!

Coming next week: the Walmart Bingo Card.

UAF pics posted soon!

Last year I attended and blogged about the Utah Arts Festival; I had an amazing time. This year I’m planning on stopping by again.

For those who care to know, it’s June 21-24 (Thursday through Sunday), noon until 11pm, at the Library Square in downtown Salt Lake City. There will be hundreds of artists (visual, performing and culinary) displaying their talents. If this year’s UAF is anything like last year’s, then attendance is a must for the artsy folk among you’all.

Fastest Arm Wrestling you’ve ever seen!
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Not content with the every-four-years Olympics, Utah hosts its own annual summer games down in Cedar City, UT every June. Obviously, as an aspiring athlete, I drove down south this weekend to represent us city-dwellers at the games. My chosen event? Arm wrestling. Now, I’m clearly not the strongest man in Utah, but having beaten a number of my co-workers at arm wrestling, I was confident that I’d have a good showing. As I was to find out, beating nerds in a physical match is akin to being a one-eyed king in the land of the blind. There is a brobdingnagian difference in the level of competition between a Mountain Dew swilling programmer and a hay-bailing farmer.

I should have seen the train barreling down the tracks when I went up against a man whose name was, I kid you not, Gurr. Gurr didn’t just beat me, he slammed my hand down on the table so hard I nearly saw stars. Then he reached over and patted me on my shoulder and said with a grin, “thanks for playing.”

Now normally the system is double elimination, and my two quick losses to red meat-and-potatoes cowboys ought to have shelved me, but the organizer thought it amusing to insert me back in to the mix FOUR MORE TIMES for comic relief. Two of those were in left-handed competitions. (If my right arm was anemic in comparison to those who schooled me, my left arm is near non-existent.) Having resigned myself to a losing fate, in my last beating, I decided to lean back and take my feet off the ground, forcing the other guy to curl my 200lbs. This he did with surprising facility and to the great amusement of the crowd, which consisted entirely of big-armed country folk and their lady admirers.

I’m glad I could provide entertainment to that motley crew and I will say this, though they were unforgivingly ferocious in the event, they were an affable bunch with good spirited laughing and cheering throughout the rounds. I’m not a drinking man, but if I were, I’d share a drink with these guys any day.

Yes, I have video of each humilating loss. Yes, I will post those for your entertainment. You’d do the same for me, right?

It’s just you, me and 2 million species of insects.

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Ingredients: 1 forest, 30 meters of water.
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