A lot of you Pagan-haters out there will lambast me for the mere mention of this devilish holiday, citing statistics tying Halloween with occult-activity or diabetes or female immodesty or costumed people ringing your door and begging. Well, you can tell a lot about a person by how they decorate their front porch for Christmas and Halloween and that’s why my porch has orangish lights and a foam tombstone and a skeleton. And then I got some hot glue and an air compressor and sprayed glue webs all over the porch. The black glue looks ominous. What does your porch look like?
If you’re like Rachel and me, you’ve probably decorated your front porch with Halloween lights, a skeleton and a tombstone or two. Maybe you made your own haunted tombstones out of Styrofoam? Perhaps you need some inspiration on what to write on your tombstone, other than the tired, overused RIP. The Haunted Mansion at Walt Disney World features tombstones inscribed with the names of real people and clever epitaphs. Enjoy:
If you’re in Utah County now, you’re in the middle of a snowstorm, which means you’re probably in the mood for cold weather jokes. That’s probably why you came to RBDN at this very moment. Well, here you go:
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes! (also: snow flakes)
Q. What did the polar bear eat for lunch?
A.A“brrr” – “grrr”!
Q. Who is Frosty the Snowman’s favorite Aunt?
A. Aunt Artica!
Q. Where do penguins keep their money?
A. In snow banks!
Q. What did the Eskimo policeman say when he saw the crook stealing money?
Q. What did the Christmas Elf wear on his head?
A. An ice cap!
Q. How do snowmen travel around ?
A. By iceicle!
Q. What’s an ig?
A. An Eskimo’s home without a loo!
And finally, with apologies to those who will think I’m making fun of women:
One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.” So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park…” Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?“
Her husband said, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?“
Rachel Esplin, a 20-year old Mormon from Idaho studying at Harvard, was part of the Harvard Day of Faith about a year ago today. In case you missed it, Rachel was one of five undergraduates from diverse religious backgrounds interviewed by Washington Post journalist Sally Quinn. (The others included a Muslin, a Jew, a Presbyterian and a Buddhist.) I think you’ll find that Rachel is one smart cookie. She’s articulate, well-spoken, and avoids the traps Sally sets for her. Enjoy:
That was the headline of a website I saw recently. And that got me thinking about how much a ton of cash would be.
I happen to know that US dollar bills weight about a gram and there are 454 grams in a pound and 2,000 pounds in a ton* (unless we’re talking metric tons, but of course, we’re not.) That means, if the bill is a 1 dollar bill, a ton would be about 900,000 dollars, or so. Obviously, you’d want your ton of cash to be distributed in a form of as a high value and of low a weight as possible. Ten thousand dollar bills, though not in general circulation, are still legal tender. If you had those bills, a ton would be 9 billion dollars. But we might be able to do better, if they have 10,000 Euro bills or 10,000 British Pound bills. Do they? I don’t know.
1 ton of 1 dollar bills = $908,000.00
1 ton of 2 dollar bills = $1,816,000.00
1 ton of 5 dollar bills = $4,540,000.00
1 ton of 10 dollar bills = $9,080,000.00
1 ton of 20 dollar bills = $18,160,000.00
1 ton of 50 dollar bills = $45,400,000.00
1 ton of 100 dollar bills = $90,800,000.00
1 ton of 1,000 dollar bills = $908,000,000.00
1 ton of 10,000 dollar bills = $9,080,000,000.00
And then we have pennies. A penny weighs about 2.4 grams (depending on the year– old pennies were copper, new ones have a zinc core.) So, RBDNers, how much money would you have if you had a ton of pennies?
Since the announcement of our engagement, advice-givers have come out of the woodwork. “You know,” they frequently say, “a happy marriage isn’t easy; you really have to work at it.” That got me thinking. How hard is mirthful matrimony? Is it harder than juggling flaming knives while riding a unicycle? Harder than drinking a gallon of milk in an hour? Harder than negotiating a terrorist hostage situation?
To answer this question, I’m proposing the Ryan Byrd Life Difficulty Rating (RBLDR) Scale. It attempts to assign a hardness value to situations and tasks you might come across. A zero on the scale would be something easy, like having a really attractive person feed you freshly baked cookies. The scale tops out at 100. A 100 RBLDR (pronounced ‘RIBD-ler’) might be watching someone you love make a fatal mistake and not being able to prevent it all the while being forced to eat a dead rat while trapped in a sinking enemy submarine. on fire. while being attacked by a hobo. That would probably be a 100. Below are some RBLDR ratings. Feel free to disagree
Having a happy marriage – 65
Raising good kids – 60
Juggling – 20
Ending a serious long term romantic relationship – 80
Breaking a drug addiction – 90
Riding a unicycle – 30
Being an honest politician – 50
Being a professional athlete/movie star/musician and not cheating on your spouse – 90
Performing well at work after three weeks sleeplessness because of sick kids – 45
Admitting you’ve really messed up to someone you admire – 38
Learning to speak Chinese as a second language – 74
Graduating with an electrical engineering degree – 49