Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

These greetings are exclusively for the following holidays only: Christmas, My Wife’s Birthday, My Sister’s Birthday, Rachel Spigarelli’s birthday, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Joseph Smith’s birthday, Ramadan(late), our anniversary, and Francisco Franco and Tyra Banks’ birthdays (same day.) Original, award-winning, RBDN artwork follows:

With apologies to Gidget, the Taco Bell chihuahua.

Let’s rejoice in how safe we are now that we have billions of dollars invested in airport porno-scanning, cancer-causing  machines which have diverted mega-resources from real efforts to fight terrorism. Let’s celebrate how trusting we are in authority that we’d subject ourselves and children to be both photographed naked and groped.  Let’s overlook the insanity of banning water on a flight, or making us take off our shoes or instructing us endlessly on the proper functioning of seat belts. Let’s not consider how ineffective and completely unsafe airports have become now that they have huge rooms of un-screened, tightly packed-in people.

Instead, let’s celebrate the downtrodden TSA workers. WE SHOULD FEEL BAD FOR THEM! They’re just doing their jobs. They’re trying their best to make us safe through terribly ineffective, and counter productive measures. Let’s not make their jobs any harder by deriding them with accurate labels  such as “child-abusers”, “perverts” or “pedophiles.”  Though those names are indeed warranted, it hurts their feelings and diverts them from the hard work of ogling crowds of naked people.

In this holiday season, instead of focusing on truth and logic and sensibility, let’s consider the feelings of those who work for a completely useless governmental organization. An organization that wastes billion in taxes on screening machines in order fill with cash the pockets of the director of the TSA (his side-business consults for the screening machine companies!) Stop the hating! Stop the blogging. Instead, let’s read news reports from authoritative news sources which tell us again and again that there is no problem here. There is no controversy. Everyone knows the TSA is here to serve and protect. These are not the droids you are looking for.

NEW! the TSA pedobear logo now on a shirt!
UPDATE: cafe press shut me down, so I moved to prinfection. said cafe press, ‘We’re sorry, but we are not in a position to allow depictions of “Pedobear” on CafePress at this time.’

Am I the only one who is frustrated by the media’s attempt to control public opinion through the news?

Last week respected new agencies  (CNN, NPR, KSL, others) went to great lengths to find people that didn’t care that the TSA (Totalitarian, Slimy Abuser) was groping minors and transmitting child pornography. The collective sentiment of these oblivious Boxers* was something like, “If it makes us safer, they can look at me naked all they want!“

That’s a sickeningly sweet, and fantastically misguided**, given that the TSA’s security theater makes us LESS SAFE.

Said Benjamin Franklin,

He who would trade liberty for some temporary security, deserves neither liberty nor security [and will lose both].

Obviously after my TSA rants, I contacted the relevant government officials, elected or otherwise and I let them know about my displeasure with the obscene joke that is the TSA. Most, like Utah’s joke-for-a-governor, either ignored me outright or deferred to someone else. A few of the braver recipients sent me form letter responses.

Said Michelle Spencer, of the TSA (Thickheaded,  Sociopathic and  Aberrant)

The overwhelming majority of Americans support our mission, support TSA, and are grateful for the vital role TSA plays in keeping passengers safe.

In other words,  “We don’t have to answer tough questions about legality and morality if we claim that there isn’t a problem at all– people love us!” Clever!

I’ll talk more about the TSA soon, but on to an awesome report by CNN “Diamonds make a hot comeback this holiday season.” This is a not-so-very-thinly veiled advertisement from the diamond industry, whose members are clearly suffering in this economic recession. “Just got foreclosed on? Celebrate your independence with a diamond solitaire!”, they seem to be saying. Here are some hard-hitting quotations from that CNN reportage,”Diamonds have always been a “girl’s best friend,” and this season may prove that some things never change. These gems are timeless and always add glamour to a wardrobe. Many retailers are ready to offer consumers a deal for the holidays.” and “You don’t have to be a famous talk show host, royalty or a music star to afford diamonds.” CNN was sneaky enough to sidestep (that is, not mention at all), the sad fact that purchasing diamonds supports terrorism, child labor, rape and civil war in Africa. Don’t worry that thousands will be mutilated through American’s shallow self-centered materialism. “With a slightly steadier financial position versus the last two years, consumers are looking for places to splurge while staying in budget.” And what better way to splurge than with a overvalued rock clawed from the guts of the earth by African slave labor. If you haven’t signed the Diamond Boycott yet, you really should now.

* Boxer was the horse in Animal Farm who, when faced with evidence of Pigly malfeasance, stupidly declared, “I will work harder!”
** Even our beloved President Obama loves and supports the TSA’s illegal activities. Can he do *anything* right?!?

Let me tell you something about cooks, bakers, chefs and the like; the good ones are deified, as if they possess magical, nay supernatural, powers.

Aunt Margerie makes the most heavenly pies!
Sister Mitchell really knows how to make a great mint brownie.
Uncle Paul bakes awesome chili!

But why do we attribute such majesty and voodoo to those who produce eatable goodness?

One of the problems is with recipes. They are inaccurate and fundamentally flawed. They don’t tell the whole story.

For one, they usually measure with volume, and not mass, which are two very different things.

My friends wife (who runs a site devoted to chocolate chip cookies) says the difference between a GREAT cookie and a mediocre one is in the “heaviness” of the scoop of flour. A heavy 1 cup contains much more flour than a light handed one.

So, all those who have tons of recipe books, now you know why you still can’t make good food.

And then we have ovens, which are notorious for cooking unevenly because of hot spots and for not telling the correct temperature. The point is, we aren’t using science. And to make things worse, if you’ve tried a recipe and failed, you’re likely to think that you just don’t have the cooking equivalent of a green thumb.

Rubbish. I know this is going to be hard to take, but here’s the truth: cooking isn’t art– it’s science.

It’s time for more accuracy in cooking. It’s time for precision and standards in the kitchen.

Fortunately, there are a number of individuals and groups who have noticed this problem and who are attempting to remedy it:

• http://www.cookingforengineers.com/
• http://www.exploratorium.edu/cooking/
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molecular_gastronomy
• The Science of Cooking by Peter Barham
• On Food and Cooking: The Science and Lore of the Kitchen by Harold McGee
• What Einstein Told His Cook: Kitchen Science Explained by Robert L. Wolke
• http://seas.harvard.edu/cooking
• http://modernistcuisine.com/
• Cooking for Geeks: Real Science, Great Hacks, and Good Food by Jeff Potter
• http://www.cookingforgeeks.com/blog/
• http://www.kamikazecookery.com/blog

I’ve even registered a domain “nerdscancook.com” in anticipation of more focus on the culinary sciences by the staff here at RBDN.

Yesterday afternoon my brother called:
“What are you doing for Thanksgiving,” he inquired.
“I’m going to cook a turkey,” I replied.
“No you’re not. It takes 3 days to thaw a turkey; if you haven’t bought it by now it’s too late,” he claimed.
“We’ll see,” I challenged.

That night I went to Kohlers and purchased the following:

1. 11lb turkey
2. meat thermometer
3. butter
4. O’Douls non-alcoholic beer
5. onion
6. paprika
7. sea salt
8. garlic
9. coriander
10. cumin
11. black pepper
12. canola oil

Then, following the instructions on these three sites, I thawed the turkey in hot water, created a spice rub, filled a pan with near-beer, put butter in the turkey, spiced it up and placed it in the oven at 325 for 3 1/2 hours. Then… TAH DAH! Perfect turkey just in time for Thanksgiving.

See? No magic needed.

Had I been a more thorough Googler, I would have seen this article which shows how you can cook a thanksgiving turkey in fifteen minutes.

So, here’s to greater science in cooking. No more pinches of this and dashes of that. I want grams. Tell me what elevation you’re at and what the pressure and relative humidity are. Use digital laser thermometers to calibrate your stove and digital scales to measure weight. See? Nerds CAN Cook.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Since we’re on the topic…

src: http://xkcd.com/824/

This email exchange just happened:

[Email sent to me from some lady I 've never met:]

I hope the turkey hats “stop” w the four of you-, Okay, okay; if it makes you’re day, Larry & I will wear one! Actually, sounds like a great thing for Ryan, esp. if they are Masks; or did you say “Hats”!  (Sorry Ryan, just geting on you for never calling, texting, etc…will we even recognize you?)
Gobble, gobble, S

[My reply:]

I’m sorry, who is this?

[Her response:]

I am your “other” grandmother that you never see! Where have you been? Let’s try to say “Hi” or just anything to one another at least twice a year! Now that’s not too much? Love, Grandma Scher, X0

[My email back to Grandma Scher:]

Regrettably both of my grandmothers passed away years ago. In fact, all of my grandparents are deceased. If you’d like to be my godmother, that would be cool.

[Her answer:]

Whatever it takes to be “Closer”, I can be that! Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Your “Cool” Godmother

[My reaction:]

Okay, but candidly, you’ve got the wrong guy. Tomorrow I’ll be cooking a turkey with my little family here in Utah. If I’m guessing right, you’re in Houston. That’s a difference of 1218 miles. When you see the real Ryan tomorrow who apparently isn’t very good at contacting his grandmother, feel free to get his correct email address from him and tell him to shape up. Wishing a happy thanksgiving to you!

[Her last email:]

How embarrassing! My complete apologies & I can’t believe the mistake in email addresses-will clear that up tomorrow morning.
Happy Thanksgiving to you & your family over a thousand miles away; and how fortunate for me to have mistakenly found a good hearted “Gobbler”.
Thank you for your patience & have a blessed day & family gathering, no matter how small.
From your mistaken Grandmother, and/or Godmother; but a friend,
Schere in Houston.

src: http://nfccomic.com/index.php?comic=205

Let me preempt the “quit picking on the little guy” comments: Every time I hear the whine “Consider the plight of the POOR TSA workers; they’re only trying to do their jobs!” I want to rip off the heads of the imbecilic apologists and vomit fiery bile down their throat stumps. I suppose we’re supposed to empathize with the situation of the overworked water-boarding CIA interrogators? We’re supposed to feel sympathy for terrorists, heavy laden with explosive vests? We’re supposed to think kindly about serial killers who, after all, have the onerous, thankless task of disposing of the bodies of their victims.

I am full of rage today, but I’ll try to calm down a bit so my ranting will be somewhat intelligible. Okay. Let’s begin.

I fly a lot for business and recreation. I hate flying, for obvious reasons– it’s cramped, airlines treat passengers like infants, the food is horrible, the security protocols are meant to annoy not protect, flight attendants are more bothersome than not, the airlines furnish you with flotation devices instead of parachutes, you’re nickled and dimed for everything, your luggage is manhandled and then pilfered and then misplaced, boarding is inefficient, the in-flight entertainment sucks,  and they STILL make us listen to the safety presentation about seat-belt buckling. And yet it gets worse…

9/11 happened. In order to fight back, we decided to beef up our safety bureaucracy. Here’s how the TSA is run:

• Step 1: Compile a list of crazy, impractical ways of bombing an airline
• Step 2: Ban the elements of those insane plots (liquids, toner cartridges, shoes, nail clippers?!?)
• Step 3: Employ technology to solve a problem that technology can’t solve
• Step 4: Hire creepy, untrained carnies to grope our children

All of this is tremendously stupid. From whence comes such nitwittedness? The FBI. “Who is running the TSA”, you question. Former FBI Deputy Director John Pistole. We got a man from one poorly run agency to lead another. If you were challenged to list the two most poorly run government entities, you’d likely list the FBI and the IRS. The FBI being the more corrupt of the two won the task of running our transportation safety. Brilliant. Democracy works when there are checks and balances and accountability. The TSA, in the un-attackable name of security, seemingly reports to no one and can do whatever they’d like without consequence.

Here’s my issue: the TSA presents us with a false delimma, a so-called sucker’s choice: Either send your kid into a backscatter machine which allows a TSA worker to view your unclothed child, OR allow a TSA worker to grope your children’s private areas. Our choice. Our inspired Supreme Court ruled you can’t turn back in a security screening or you’ll be fined $10,000. Does the TSA hire sex offenders to pat us down? Yes. Is the TSA is violation of child pornography laws by transmitting nude images of children? Yes. Has the TSA managed to catch a single terrorist before they attempted to commit a crime? No. Have the FAA Red Teams experienced any difficulty breaching airport security? No. Can the TSA naked machines save pictures? Yes. Has the TSA continued to lie to us at every turn? Yes.

The real issue at play is the Milgram effect. We respect authority so much, we sit idly by and watch their abuses of power without action. We are, in effect, issuing electric shocks to our civil liberties with each act of compliance.

The time to act is now. The time to speak out is now. The time to rebel against illegal federal agency is NOW.

There is a third choice: opt out of the TSA. The airports are under the city’s jurisdiction. Call and complain to the mayor’s office. Have your airport opt out of the TSA. They did it in Florida. No naked body scanners, no government-approved groping. These gross violations of privacy and decency should not be tolerated.

The responsibly of complainers is to offer an alternative solution. I have one. It’s called the Israelification of Airports. Google it.

We must accept that 100% safety in flying is simply not possible. Any determined attacker can take down a plane. The completely misguided and ineffectual TSA procedures amount to nothing more than brain dead theater that diverts money and resources from actually ferreting out the bad guys. The TSA is staffed by mindless functionaries. The airport security goon squad aren’t even real law enforcement officers. They’re just glorified rent-a-cops wearing a fake uniforms. Let’s not submit to Team Sexual Assault.

I’m irate. Are you? You should be.

Here’s some reading for you:

http://www.npr.org/assets/news/2010/05/17/concern.pdf
http://www.vancouversun.com/travel/Full+body+scanners+waste+money+Israeli+expert+says/2941610/story.html
http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/10/for-the-first-time-the-tsa-meets-resistance/65390/
http://gizmodo.com/5690749/
http://www.usatoday.com/travel/columnist/baskas/2009-05-13-penn-teller-tsa_N.htm
http://files.neilgaiman.com/mirror/101116211742/www.pennandteller.com/03/coolstuff/penniphile/roadpennfederalvip.html
http://www.npr.org/2010/11/15/131328327/new-airport-security-rules-cause-traveler-discomfort
http://www.cnn.com/2010/TRAVEL/11/18/airports.with.body.scanners/index.html?hpt=T2
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/06/rolando-negrin-full-body_n_566465.html
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/11/16/national/main7060608.shtml
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/11/17/national/main7063414.shtml?tag=channelMore;pop
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/10/29/national/main7002878.shtml?source=related_story&tag=related
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2010/jan/04/new-scanners-child-porn-laws
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/11/16/AR2010111607255.html
http://skreened.com/oped/junk-search
https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=2336044328955501444&postID=7565900027346975687
http://gizmodo.com/5690749/these-are-the-first-100-leaked-body-scans
http://www.techdirt.com/articles/20101118/02331811916/backscatter-naked-scanners-confused-by-folds-in-clothing.shtml
http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2010/11/tsa_backscatter.html
http://www.geekosystem.com/which-airports-use-full-body-scanners/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40291856/ns/travel-news/?GT1=43001
http://www.wistv.com/Global/story.asp?S=13536352
http://www.redstate.com/erick/2010/11/18/another-tsa-outrage/
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/politics/sns-ap-us-airport-security-pilots,0,1396384.story
https://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2010/11/tsa_backscatter.html
http://wdbo.com/localnews/2010/11/sanford-airport-to-opt-out-of.html
http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/130243-analyst-new-tsa-procedures-will-kill-more-americans-on-the-highway
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/2010/11/22/2010-11-22_snl_tsa_skit_parodies_new_patdown_policy_that_has_critics_complaining_about_inva.html
http://www.optoutday.com/
http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=711&sid=13365228
http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2010/11/national-opt-out/
http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/744199—israelification-high-security-little-bother
http://www.ottawacitizen.com/news/rallying+security+wary+passengers+touch+junk/3831505/story.html
http://yro.slashdot.org/story/10/11/13/2229222/National-Opt-Out-Day-Against-Virtual-Strip-Searches
http://www.prisonplanet.com/shocker-tsa-has-been-molesting-children-for-years.html
http://www.prisonplanet.com/full-frontal-nudity-doesn%E2%80%99t-make-us-safer-abolish-the-tsa.html
http://johnnyedge.blogspot.com/2010/11/these-events-took-place-roughly-between.html
http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/10/for-the-first-time-the-tsa-meets-resistance/6590/
http://www.utah.gov/government/contactgov.html
http://lifehacker.com/5690402/what-you-need-to-know-about-the-new-tsa-screenings-and-gropings
http://www.examiner.com/conservative-in-spokane/tsa-screener-terrorizes-3-year-old-girl
http://wewontfly.com/