December 2010

2010 taught us that Americans LOVE 3D movies. Please, Hollywood, make ALL movies in 3D!!! TVs? I’d like one in 3D, please. Shot the movie in 3D? Don’t worry, computer nerds can turn that shoddy piece of outdated crapola into 3D Movie Magic!

And speaking of scuminess, Julian Assange of Wikileaks taught us that US diplomats lie a lot and  say bad things about our allies.  But that made our govr’nment mad so they locked Julian away in a dank prison somewhere on trumped up charges. Lesson learned: no one likes a snitch.

Julian wasn’t the only annoying whiner. Facebook’s friendless Mark Zuckerberg underwrote a movie (the Social Network), as a diversion to all the privacy violations Facebook inflicts on their users. That ruse only partially succeed, so then Mark bought himself the position as Time’s Man of the Year. Nobody was fooled, but nobody left Facebook either. Mark may have won this round, but he still can’t get a date with the hot chick.

The iPad came out this year, and even though it has the worst name of ANY tech gadget EVER, people bought a lot of them. It’s just like an iPhone except it can’t make calls and it has a bigger screen. Lots of other companies immediately released iPad clones, but those tanked because it’s not about the features, it’s about the exclusive Apple logo, biznatch!

The Democrats got voted out this year, which is logical, because no one likes Democrats anyway. The real question is how they got elected in the first place. In a record-breaking lame duck session, those losers passed a bunch of legislation as a final hurrah before returning back home under a bridge.

Sarah Palin’s talentless daughter was on Dancing with the Stars, which is ironic because she is neither a star nor a dancer. Charlatans throughout the country kept Bristol in the competition for an unbearably long time, much to their amusement. In the end, Bristol got the boot back to wherever it is that hypocrites make awkward abstinence videos with the cast of the Jersey Shore.

How was your year?

Surprise, surprise– a new report out this week shows that the TSA is wasting our money, hand over fist. Why aren’t you incensed yet? No, I don’t get tired of denouncing the TSA. They’re overwhelmingly obtuse and they deserve it. Oh, and another report this week show that the TSA doesn’t test their machines for safety.* What does the TSA stand for?** (besides pedophilia?)

  • Team Sexual Assault
  • Touching Sensitive Areas
  • Theatrical Security Agents
  • Taking Scissors Away
  • Touching Stuff Aggressively
  • Too Stupid for Arby’s
  • Trampling Several Amendments
  • Teaching Submission to Americans
  • Terrorist Support Agency
  • Terribly Senseless Antics
  • Trampling Servile Americans

Here is some more TSA reading material: Nobody is safer when you take my water. Remember,  if you don’t allow the TSA to rape you, the terrorists win!


We ran out of potato chips a few minutes ago and Rachel, now seven months pregnant, needed some more. As I am in no position to argue with pica* cravings, I leapt into action.

If you know me at all, you know I’m quite handy around the kitchen– sort of a Macgyver meets Bobby Flay. First, I sliced up some fresh potatoes (from a nearby supermercado– they’re always open.) Then I poured 1/2″ of canola oil into a pot on the stove set to medium-high heat. Finally, I tossed in the paper-thin slices of potatoes. Three minutes in the oil, then a dash of salt and ten minutes on the cooling rack and… WHAMMO– homemade potato chips, RBDN-style.

And yes, our house now smells like McDonalds…

* I know that pica refers to non-food cravings– potato chips are in what food group again?

Il est né le Divin Enfant:

Save time, that is. Because Ross (or at least the one in Orem), uses something called a combined queue to feed multiple cash registers. It’s very efficient and shoppers aren’t much inconvenienced by the lone annoying guy with all the coupons. You can learn more about queuing theory and why your checkout line is always the slowest moving, by watching this clip: (Thanks, Agner Krarup Erlang!)

Not sure what to give your wife for Christmas? Try a vacuum cleaner. Or a a box of cigarettes. Those bygone advertising execs sure had a way with words. Here are some vintage Christmas ads for your browsing pleasure:


Maybe you hate typing? Maybe you uniquely visit websites that have really long web site addresses? Maybe you hate using all the other lame URL shorteners? Now you can use the coolest (probably) URL shortener in Utah! Fight waste! Save electricity! Unclog the Internet! For all your 140 character Tweeting needs, please!

Everybody knows I’m a huge fan of zombies, and thousands of you have purchased the limited edition Zombies are Forever tees at the best zombie site on the Internet.

So, just to prove that Zombies are an apropos topic regardless of the season, here’s a newly released Holiday Zombie short youtube film for you– it’s instructional.

I once saw a televised debate between an atheist and a Christian. The atheist was convincing, but in the end, the Christian quipped, “this debate is moot. The Christian birthrate is rapidly increasing, whereas atheists are in the decline. In one hundred years, there won’t be any more unbelievers.” I wish the Christian had put more substance into his argument, but his point was taken nonetheless.

The US Census Bureau released the 2010 census results today.  Over the last ten years, states known for their lack of religious devotion (like Vermont and New Hampshire) barely grew at all (2.8 & 6.5% respectively) while Utah, that bedrock of fervent Mormon religiosity, grew by 23.8%. Ready or not, here we come! Oh, and Utah gets another (Republican) seat in the House of Representatives. Sorry, New York.

Here are some new rules as Mormons take over the world:

  1. The minivan becomes the national automobile
  2. Tithing can be taken directly out of your paycheck
  3. No speed limit after church meetings the first Sunday of each month
  4. All television reporters must prove they can distinguish real Mormons from polygamists
  5. October is National Marie Osmond month
  6. All immigrants get a welcome care-package with Noni Juice and Nu Skin cosmetics
  7. Gambling legal in Utah when betting on BYU/UoU games
  8. Mission Farewell party expenses now tax-deductible
  9. The legal drinking age for Coca-cola raised to 21
  10. The beating of Conference Protesters allowed, but officially discouraged.

Did you know CDs are made from ham? It’s true. So is bacon. See how CDs are NOT made:

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