Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

If you don’t have a headache yet today, now you do!

yes, prints are available

Not incidentally, the reason why your eyeballs hate these images so very much is explained in detail in Jeff Hawkin’s landmark AI book, On Intelligence. 1/2 the battle…

WET- White Entertainment Television would be wrong. That’s racist, right? BET- Black Entertainment Television is okay though. Racism, in case you wondered, is NOT preferential treatment to one race, instead it’s giving the advantage to the majority. Everyone knows that’s a bad idea. It’s perfectly reasonable and ethical, on the other hand, to have Black-only, or Hispanic-only scholarships. It’s okay to have the NAACP or the NAA[anyone not white]P.

Here’s why: non-minorities are bad. If you’re in the majority, it’s essential to feel guilty because of the evil things that your people did in the past. Your ancestors were monsters. In fact, just being who you are is embarrassing. White people are awkward. They can’t dance. Or jump. Or have diverse thoughts. Or have soul. They’re really not very funny (largely because they’re not permitted to tell racist jokes.) Caucasians really aren’t good at anything but oppressing minorities, committing white-collar crimes that have no jail-time and shopping at farmers’ markets. Oh, and stealing culture from other races.

Activists are quick to explain, “you go through centuries of oppression and then you’ll have the right to complain.” But we shouldn’t miss the hypocrisy in battling inequality and racism only to end up racist and a promoter of inequality yourself. Either you’re for equality and fairness or you’re not. Either we’re colorblind, or we’re not. We can’t have it both ways. Justice Rehnquist said, “the evil inherent in discrimination against [a minority] is its grounding in an immutable characteristic… discrimination is no less evil if it offers preferential treatment to [that minority].”

“But,” you protest, “fair-skinned people really can’t dance! They’re no good at all!“

I guess you’ve not seen these two colorless hipsters, rapping and dancing to a dope beat about economics:

A grill, in case you’re not glued to BET, is a metal dental appliance molded over the front teeth, often of gold or silver, and inlaid with precious stones. Rappers wear them while singing about how poor and disadvantaged the urban areas are, as a point of irony: “People be dying, got nothin’ to eat, but my grill is platinum, ’cause I’m from the street.“*

But that’s not what we’re talking about AT ALL today. We’re talking about outdoor cooking, barbecue grillin’, yo. There is a clearly defined hierarchy of grilling devices, and if you weren’t aware, it means you have a propane grill. That’s level 1.

Byrd’s Levels of Grilling (BLG)

1. Propane grills (start here)
2. Charcoal grills (may or may not involve the use of wooden planks), yes they’re retro and that’s why they’re popular
3. Wood chip smokers (hard to beat ribs smoked over mesquite, hickory or apple wood chips)
4. Built in, bricked, backyard natural gas grills (these are must haves for every well-accessorized Alpine mansion.)

Here at Byrd Manor, we sport a BLG level 0. That means for date night, we pick up a couple savory McDonald’s grilled McRib sandwiches. Who’s living large now?!?

* yes, I just made that up.

Yesterday I read a Facebook comment in which some guy confused Muammar Gaddafi with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. FAIL! This sort of unabashed cultural stupidity cannot continue on my watch. I, therefore, present you with: RBDN’s World Leaders in a Minute!

Muammar Gaddafi is the brutal military dictator of Libya, at least for another day or two. Dafi, as I call him, was the leader of a military coup which overthrew the Libyan government four decades ago. The Colonel’s hobbies include collecting ugly yellow hats, bombing civilians and American pop concerts. His entourage includes 40 female, gun-toting virgin bodyguards. They wear designer sunglasses, bright lipstick and high heels with their military camouflage. Don’t let your defenses drop though– they’re trained assassins — graduates of a women-only military academy in Tripoli. I recently challenged Gaddafi to a duel, but his office refuses to return my calls on the matter.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the president of Iran and is universally feared because he has crazy eyes, and 3/4ths of a nuclear weapon. Like most middle-eastern rulers, Mahmoud is completely insane and is often quoted as saying the Holocaust is a myth perpetuated by Jews.

Nicolas Sarkozy is the smug president of France. Nicolas, like all French people, is a lothario and has married or courted most French women. A man of contradiction, he was named the 68th best-dressed person in the world by Vanity Fair as well as the third worst-dressed person in the world by GQ. Suffering from a little man complex (he is only 5’5″), Nicolas commonly wears substantially heeled shoes and stands on hidden platforms.

Shimon Peres is the supreme ruler of Israel. Peres is the arch-enemy of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (above), because Peres is Jewish and Muslims hate Jews because Jews are more successful. Ahmedinejad is always blathering on about how Iran is going to wipe Israel off the map. Not to be intimidated, Peres once responded, “the president of Iran should remember that Iran can also be wiped off the map.”

Hugo Chávez is the obese, American-hating President of Venezuela. Besides being fat and once imprisoned (although not for his hefty weight), Chavez is largely unremarkable save for his perpetual nonsensical ranting and railing against capitalism. Chavez is a buddy of Fidel Castro (below).

Dmitry Medvedev is the successor of Vladimir Putin (who became prime minister) as the president of the Russian Federation. Dmitry looks like a cross between James Bond and a Russian Spy. Dmitry is presently angry with the UN for bombing Gaddafi’s troops in Lybia. This is because Dmitry suspects that if the UN goes around bombing demented despots, he might be next. Is it no secret that much of the Libyan army was armed by Russia.

Fidel Castro is the cigar-smoking, military-uniform-wearing unhinged madman formerly at the head of the Cuban people. Fidel has managed to run Cuba’s economy into the ground, survive the Bay of Pigs invasion, imprison homosexuals, and escape 638 assassination attempts. Fidel is the proud wearer of a nasty, unkempt beard.

Hosni Mubarak used to be the president of Egypt, until February 11th of the year, when he resigned, mainly because everyone was rioting and, to save his own skin, Mubarak fled Dodge, er Cairo.

Kim Jong-il is a Korean midget (dwarf?) and megalomaniac who delights in bombing the South Koreans. Kim (our Father) is the leader of the North Koreans and is as loony as they come; Official biographers statethat his birth was foretold by a swallow, and heralded by the appearance of a double rainbow over the mountain and a new star in the heavens. Kim is afraid of flying and loves the Friday the 13th, Rambo and Godzilla movies. Kim is one Asian I feel comfortable fighting.

Sheik Khalifa bin Zayed al-Nahyan is the president of the Anti-Defamation League. I kid! Sheikh Khalifa is the current President of the United Arab Emirates (UAE) and a very rich man ($19 billion.) Khalifa was recently was described in a WikiLeaks cable signed by the U.S. ambassador as a “distant and uncharismatic personage.” Money can’t buy you love, can it?

Hamid Karzai, the president of Afghanistan, totally looks like actor Erick Avari or perhaps Ben Kingsley. People are constantly trying to kill Hamid, but he has emerged unscathed to date, largely because of the protection of American soldiers. Karzai has six brothers, including Mahmood Karzai and Quayum Karzai, who are both Afghan American restaurant owners in Baltimore. I kid you not.

And now you know.

Punctuation saves lives of people and dogs everywhere.

Why is Facebook so popular, why do rednecks in Wyoming smoke so much meth and why are smartphones so intertwined in our lives that if we leave home without them, we’ll turn around and go back and get them in order to avoid the sickening feeling of technological nakedness? FOMO. (The Fear of Missing Out.)

“FOMO is a great motivator of human behavior, and I think a crucial key to understanding social software, and why it works the way it does. Many people have studied the game mechanics that keep people collecting things (points, trophies, check-ins, mayorships, kudos). Others have studied how the neurochemistry that keeps us checking Facebook every five minutes is similar to the neurochemistry fueling addiction. Social media has made us even more aware of the things we are missing out on. You’re home alone, but watching your friends status updates tell of a great party happening somewhere. You are aware of more parties than ever before. And, like gym memberships, adding Bergman movies to your Netflix queue and piling up unread copies of the New Yorker, watching these feeds gives you a sense that you’re participating, not missing out, even when you are.”*

We check Facebook and RBDN so frequently because we have the unnerving feeling that others are having more fun and living more abundantly than we are. Not incidentally, the suspicion that other people are having greater amounts of fun heavily drives Las Vegas attendance– you keep going back because other people seem to be having SO MUCH FUN. “What happens here (and I’m talking AMAZING HIJINKS) stays here!” wink. wink. This oppressive fear, magnified by media consumption, leads to escapism– like narcotics. If you live in the sticks, you can’t escape the presented reality that your life pales in comparison to the exciting lives of others. That’s when you mix up a bowl of Sudafed and match heads and add a toss in a bath of iodine and HCL…

And now you know.

* src: http://caterina.net/wp-archives/71

Muammar Gaddafi and his half-witted son are currently getting the crapola bombed out of them. French, British, Italian, Canadian and American military forces unleashed more than 110 cruise missiles against 20 Libyan air and missile defense battlements earlier today. Yesterday Muammar  declared a cease fire, but then he continued killing his citizens with reckless abandon, so the UN forces unleashed naked aggression against the feeble-minded despot. Ouch.

Moammar Gadhafi said Libya will fight back, no doubt using their secret force of special-ops camels and Bedouins. I think I speak for all Americans everywhere when I say that Gadhafi’s defiant tone strikes fear into my heart.

I would like to settle this disagreement the old fashioned way– man-to-man– so I hereby challenge Gadhafi to a duel of his choosing. To the pain. Winner gets Libya.

UPDATE: Gaddafi forces shell Benghazi, civilian casualties mount; rebels accidentally shoot down their only jet. Meanwhile, in communist Russia, Alexander Lukashevich, a foreign ministry spokesman says Russia “regrets this military action”. In France, President Nicolas Sarkozy said: ‘Nous avons décidé de mettre en oeuvre tous les moyens nécessaires, y compris militaires en Libye. Kadhafi peut “encore éviter le pire” en respectant “sans délai la résolution de l’Onu”, a-t-il ajouté.’

UPDATE 2: Here’s an infographic on the Libyan Air force vs the Coalition’s

UPDATE 3: Each Tomahawk cruise missile costs $569,000.00

Here’s why:

To the delight of onlookers, this morning one of my co-workers, dressed as a red-bearded, top-hatted leprechaun, bounded up to present me a foil-covered chocolate coin before laughing impishly and muttering “Oh, me pot o’ gold!” This is the clearly the behavior of a deranged person. Were I not taken aback at his madness, I might have delivered him a solid wallop for his impertinence. A crisp clout to the head, I’ve found, is an effective deterrent to inappropriate tomfoolery.

Then, during a subsequent meeting, another co-worker ribbed me for not wearing green, “someone will pinch you“, they warned.

Let them try. I imagine my reaction would be similar to the guy in my favorite youtube video, entitled “Never scare a black man”:

Blarney! An Irish Blessing to you and your family!

This morning I awoke to myself yelling, “there are 71 ridges around a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.” I have no idea of where that outburst came from, nor do I have any recollection of the dream context that would have produced such an exclamation. There’s only one possible explanation: I’ve become a creative dream-genius fueled  by my recent lack of sleep.

This mystery is further deepened because I don’t eat Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (or waxy American chocolate in general) nor do I have I ever counted candy grooves.

I just Googled it. 66 is the unofficial number provided for the Peanut Butter Cup ridge count. That’s only an percent error of 7.57*. Not bad at all for a subconscious night’s work.

I’m already starting to reap the rewards of fatherhood.
* Percent Error equation: take the difference from accepted value which is also your result minus the accepted value, divide by accepted value and multiply this result by 100.