Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

I have hives. Beehives, that is. Two months ago, I ordered bees. One month ago, I assembled and painted four bee boxes. Last weekend, I picked up a duo of buzzing crates of bees and dumped them into the boxes. Then I added sugar water and lids. Now they’re (presumably) making me loads ‘o free honey. (Full disclosure, I don’t rather like honey, but I do enjoy the occasional bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.)

I’m the Lord of the Bees!

Bees are Apis mellifera, which OF COURSE is ridiculous, Mr Carolus Linnaeus, because bees don’t bear HONEY, they carry NECTAR, which is quite a different thing.

And then I made a bunch of bee bumper stickers, which, when you buy them will make me a rich man! Don’t you love bees?  Support your local beekeeper (me) today!

Been stung lately?

okay, it was bonaire. i’ll post more pics and videos of the trip soon.

1. One of my travel companions said this, “All food should stand on it’s own. If it needs any type of sauce, it’s not good.” He said this while eating plain fries and a naked hot dog in a bun (the hot dog was in a bun, not him.) Relatedly*, his statement is completely insane and hot dogs without ketchup are incredibly nasty. Hot dogs WITH ketchup are horrible enough. For the love, cover that thing up, man.
2. Flying still sucks. The seats are too small and engineered to be uncomfortable. The stewardess still aren’t hot. There is lots of waiting, and I hate other people and their kids.
3. The TSA still takes nude photos of everyone, even if their propaganda tries to convince you otherwise. The TSA is evil and they need to be disbanded.
4. It is hard to sneak coral out of Bonaire.
5. Airlines still think we’re stupid and they still show us how to buckle our seat belts.
6. The Atlanta airport sells fruit Mentos candy for $2.19. I don’t know those thieves how they sleep at night, though I suppose it’s on gold-plates pillows
7. Christmas Trees in the Caribbean weird me out.
8. American scuba divers must love Nerd candy. It’s available throughout the island at every supermarket. Pepperoni, on the other hand, is in short supply. Bonaire ran out of pepperoni on day 2 of our trip. There was NONE on the ENTIRE island. I have no idea how this is even possible.
9. Bonaire wifi pretty much sucks
10. Hollywood has lead us to believe that all scuba divers are hot-bodied, adventurous 20 somethings. NOTHING could be further from the truth. I’m just sayin’, there are a lot of octogenarians with a penchant for bottled air…
11. If you talk to the right bartender, pure Colombian blow (powder cocaine) and Jamaican cannabis can be readily had. $6 for a gram of coke! For comparison, I’m told a gram of highly tainted** blow will set you back $60 to $100 in New York city.

*Not a real word
** http://www.thepoisonreview.com/2011/06/29/dramatic-pictures-vasculitis-caused-by-levamisole-contaminated-cocaine/

I just got back from Bonaire. We dove. A lot. What did I learn? Let me tell you.

1. You don’t need a wetsuit to dive there. Everybody (but me) wore one, but they’re really not needed and they just make things slower. The water is plenty warm, even at night. Leave the wetsuit at home.
2. If you don’t have a wetsuit, you’ll need a rash guard. That might sound like a product that comes in a spray can, but it’s actually a snugly fitting long sleeved shirt. It prevent a rash that you’d get from diving topless with a BCD.
3. A little bit of non-drowsy Sudafed can clear out your sinuses and prevent blindly painful behind-the-eyeball headaches. Take caution here, as Sudafed could mask symptoms of Nitrogen narcosis. If it’s too late, a couple of Ibuprofen can soften those headaches
4. If water builds up in your ears after repeated dives, a drop or two of alcohol ear drops will clear that up.
5. Diving with experts, you will quickly find that they almost never use their arms. They swim very slowly. “the slow you go the more you see,” seems to be the mantra.
6. Your face mask should be on VERY LOOSELY. The pressure of the water will keep it on your face. Break the seal throughout the dive and blow out your nose to clear the water to prevent the mask from pressing too hard on your face (which will HURT after the dive.)
7. Where there is water, there are bugs. Bring bug spray for before and after the dives.
8. You’ll need lots of sunscreen.
9. Diving makes you thirsty and hungry. Snacks and water are essential. Charms blow pops were a big hit. So were Pringles potato chips.
10. Don’t forget towels for drying off before the drive home.
11. Nitrox (enriched air) lets you dive more, longer. Get the enriched air PADI certification and you’ll be glad you did.

Has all of this scuba diving made me more like James Bond? What’s next? My pilots license. Stay tuned.

I just got back from a 7 day trip to Bonaire, which in case you didn’t know (I didn’t know), is a small island 90 miles to the north of Venezuela.

Bonaire is is a “special municipality” of the Netherlands, whatever that means. It’s in the Caribbean, not far from Aruba, if that helps. The Dutch showed up in the 1600s and brought African slaves to help produce salt (the Dutch flood large, flat plains in Bonaire with salt water, let the water evaporate and then sell the remaining salt.) I suppose Africans are among those who hate the Dutch.

What does one do in Bonaire? Nothing, unless you like Scuba Diving. Is there night life? No. Is there *anything* else to do besides scuba diving? No. Okay, you can kayak and snorkel, and visit a Donkey Sanctuary, but otherwise, the island’s got nothing.

They *do* have scuba diving, and lots of it. We dived 2-4 times a day all around the island, including night dives, wreck dives and shore dives. I swam with an octopus, scraped myself on coral while trying to get a better view of a poisonous lion fish and came face-to-face with spindly crabs and hungry-looking, spotted eels. I explored a sunken drug-running boat, zipped around the island on a rented scooter and tried a bit of kite boarding (well,until the wind died.)

I’m not xenophobic, or jingoistic, but I will say this; I sure do love the US of A. It sucks less than any other country. Things are clean here. The food is great. We have free bathrooms and free water fountains. You can drink the water and not get sick. We have the best health care. We invent anything that’s worth inventing. Our women are beautiful. Are athletes are the best. Yes, we occasionally pepper spray hippies, but they mostly have it coming, amiright? I’m proud to be an American.

It might be true that I tried to smuggle home pieces of beautiful coral I found on the stony beaches. I might have been caught at the airport and perhaps they confiscated all of it. It was worth a try. Oh, and our group included two world-class underwater photographers/videographers, so I’ll post some amazing media here shortly.

Bon bini na cas! (welcome home, in Papiamento (the native language of Bonaire))

For years, prominent on my new year’s resolutions list was this, “Buy 1 acre of land and dig a 100 ft deep hole with a backhoe in one month.” 2012 will be the year where I (finally) accomplish this resolution.

Just last week, the members on the newly appointed governing board of the Utah Deep Pit Project convened at the renowned Joy Luck to plan our next steps. Vice chairman B. Pixton commented, “the very idea of donating the Deep Pit proceeds to HOPE (a non-profit group dedicated to assisting survivors of abuse within polygamous relationships) is at once brilliant and inspiring. I’m 100% in.“

Local tech guru and Project Engineer Mike N. quipped, “a lot of people think I’m just a very highly paid PHP coder (computer programmer.) What they don’t know, is that I drive a mean backhoe. Let’s go dig a pit .“

N. Peel, mobile app designer and amateur luchador, challenged us, “if each of us gets two friends to donate and then each of those friends gets two more friends, and so on, it won’t be long before the whole world is helping us dig this hole. Will we find the lost tribes? Jimmy Hoffa? the reason why Occupy is Occupying? I think so.“

Are you with us?

Stay tuned for more details.

There I was, wearily leaning against the rock wall looking down through the narrow, craggy passages flooded at times with eight feet of raging, subzero tenebrous waters. A serpentine, tortuous path stretched for over 14 grueling miles. Underfoot presented either jagged, razor-sharp rocks slashing at your ankles and shins or worse, slimy, moss-enveloped stones, polished mirror smooth by the rushing river and abounding in constant opportunities to stumble and fall.

The canyon’s fierce jowls gaped open hungrily at us. Death’s eager grasp hid around each torturous bend. This nearly impassable terrain of bottomless crevasses, and rope assisted descents was made even more surreal by my canyoneering companions.

As the very elements waged war and as the billowing surges conspired against us, I was flanked by an Air Force survivalist expert, a seasoned, mesomorphic Marine fresh from a tour in Afghanistan and an, at-times inspiring, amped up, professional aquanaut, who many suspect of using performance enhancing pharmaceuticals.

Whereas this was their playground, I felt like an Al-Qaeda operative being waterboarded by CIA interrogators at Guantanamo. As the fierce winds became our enemies, as the heavens gathered blackness, and as the very jaws of hell gaped open, each of these characters, clearly underwhelmed by the experience, invented ways in which to make the affair more dangerous and challenging. “Ryan,” they asked, as I bent over to vomit, “would you like to dive down into the inky abyss of this underground water cave?” “Ryan, though we can see your waterlogged shoes are so entombed in mud to weigh as much as concrete, how about we slosh back through these venomous rapids blindfolded and explore some more?” “Ryan, perhaps a game of one footed Marco Polo on the edge of this slick precipice?“

In summary, I made it though a half marathon of Cross Fit. I am that hard-core. Would I do it again? Yes. If by Yes, I mean, I would repeat it if hoisted up in a palanquin and accompanied by a band of Slurpee-carrying-Sherpas.

The Food Channel’s Andrew Zimmern (of Bizarre Foods) makes it look like there are no consequences to eating sketchy food from 3rd world countries except for the occasional foul tasting bite. Oh, but consequences there are. I’ll provide evidence in two short stories:

Act I- Ivory Coast, Tribal Fest, Featuring My Sister the Lawyer

• We are the honored guests of a Tribal Chief and his many wives. They serve us course after course of fabulous food. While I stick to the rice and meat, my sister ventures into the green salads. Big mistake. Two intestinal parasites immediately made their home in her stomach from that day and for the next month or so. Very, Very bad. (see illustration.)

Act II- Street Fair, Taiwan, Featuring My Mother

• The same sister decides to play a joke on my Mom and me by having us taste something called “Stinky Tofu.” Never eat anything called Stinky Tofu. I immediately vomited like a cat in the tent corner. My mom decided to be polite and finish the dish. Big mistake. She was sick and bedridden for days.

How can you avoid days or weeks of intestinal horror? By following RBDN’s Guide to Eating Out, International Version (Esp. 3rd World Countries). Trust me, I’ve been to nearly three dozen countries, and I’ve never been sick from eating the food.

1. Don’t eat fruits or vegetables unless they are cooked and steaming
2. Don’t eat from street vendors in 3rd world countries. EVER.
3. Drink only from cans you open, and then drink directly from the can.
4. Don’t ask for ice, don’t drink from cups with ice
5. Don’t drink the tap water. Use bottled water to brush your teeth.
6. The safest meal I’ve found which is universally available, is piping hot chicken and rice with a can of soda.
7. Don’t eat any kind of salad.

Now you know. Knowing is 1/2 the battle.

I went camping last week on the shores of Bear Lake. That might sound picturesque and romantic and all, and it was. It was also full of mosquitoes and gnats, and consequently the dank odor of bug spray lingered everywhere. Did you know that Bear Lake has a lake monster, kind of like the Loch Ness Monster? It’s true, because NPR said so. That’s wholly beside the point, which is this: we slept in a canvas tent. It was awesome.

Canvas is retro, like non-inline skates, or sugar instead of corn syrup, or when marriage was between a man and a woman. Canvas is also awesome. The problem with tents is three fold:

1. Modern tents are domed and small– often only a few feet high at their highest. a “three man tent” is a misnomer. They’re one-man tents, and only barely at that.
2. Tents today are made of plastic. or nylon. or something cheap and prone to ripping.
3. Today’s tents feature cheap zippers: They constantly jam with the tent material and at 3am when you have to pee, they produce the LOUDEST NOISE KNOWN TO MAN, as you try to fumble your way out after crawling over the other two people who didn’t fit in the three man tent.

Why do tents suck so bad? I don’t know, though I suspect Walmart has something to do with it. The canvas tent we slept in was 10′x10′ by 7′ tall. The tent walls were vertical– we could stand everywhere in the tent. It fit a queen sized bed and a baby crib and lots of luggage with room to spare. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

BUT WAIT- while camping in my borrowed canvas tent, I saw another tent with a magnetically sealed door on a pivot. It was an amazing invention– NO ZIPPER. The door just pushes open and then closes itself with a tight, magnetic seal. AMAZING! Regrettably, it was likely invented by a no-name guy in a trailer, so it will be unavailable, encumbered in licensing, so the lowly consumers won’t benefit from it for another 17 years. US patent system for the win!

I had wanted to talk about solar panels, because I brought some to recharge my laptop, but now I’m tired of typing so that will wait for later. I will say this, that the battery took 6-10 hours to charge and then lasted an hour.  I need larger solar panels or a longer life battery for my laptop. Or a lake monster to generate some electricity for me.

How was your weekend?

We’re long overdue for an engineering mini-challenge, aren’t we?

Objective: in ten minutes, construct a water rocket using the parts provided which, when fired, achieves the highest altitude (as measured by the altitude-0-meter).

Rules

• Each team will need to provide their own, standard 2 liter plastic (PET) carbonated soda bottle. The rest of the parts to construct the nose cone, fins, ballast etc., will be provided. No outside parts or tools, excepting the 2 liter bottle, are permitted.
• At the time of launch, 335ml of water will be placed in the bottle
• 70 lbs of air pressure will be introduced into the rocket
• Each team will launch their rocket on a provided launch pad.
• Safety guidelines will be observed

RESULTS: a heavy nose cone is key. Winning team’s rocket soared to 38.5 meters (126 feet) and nearly took out the camera man. Warning: video might contain swearing.

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

Resources:

• http://microgravity.grc.nasa.gov/education/rocket/rkthowhi.html
• http://www.fmalive.com/_downloads/altitude_tracker20070511.pdf
• http://www3.delta.edu/slime/images/2Launcher.pdf