Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no, I did not win the sexiest man alive award (they tell me I was narrowly edged out by Hugh Jackman) Ha! But seriously folks! What you’re really thinking is “what can I get Ryan for Christmas this year?” Perhaps:

• Diamond jewelry?
• Cash?
• A life-sized roman soldier for my living room?

No, no and no. What you should get me (or anyone else you love, really) is something you MAKE– something like original art, or a plate of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies, or maybe matching spiked collars for beloved dogs. Consider giving, as well, an original choral composition, a clay heart, or a groomed bonsai tree. These all make wonderful gifts.

The recipients of your presents will like you more, Christmas will seem more meaningful and less commercial and you’ll get to skip the mall parking lot congestion and long shopping lines. Your gifts will also likely stand the test of time and not be quickly forgotten. So… are you in? Let’s take back the holidays.

We’ve chatted about Black Friday before. Still itching to spend, spend, spend? Here are some financial stats from Current TV‘s Maxed Out show:

• 1.2 million unemployed college graduates in the USA now
• The average college graduate owes 20,000 dollars in college loans
• 3/4 of American households carry debt
• 40% of American families annually spend more than they make
• 23% of Americans admit to having maxed out a credit card

Probably you’re already getting flyers in the mail with loss leaders enticements– great less-than-store-cost deals which draw you into the store (and into purchases you didn’t anticipate.)

Don’t misunderstand; if you’ve got lots of money, then, sure, go out and spend some. The economy works when people buy stuff. However, if you don’t have extra money, don’t be lured out at 5am for what will undoubtedly be a day of excess. You’ll regret (and pay for) it later.

So, what can you do if you’re not spending money you don’t have? Well, here at RBDN, we don’t point out problems without offering solutions.

Top Ten Things to Do Instead of Spending Money on Black Friday:

10- Glue a quarter to the mall floor and count how many people try to pick it up
9- Panhandle and/or shoplift
8- Get in line early, then, right before store opening, sell your spot
7- Go to a park and play Frisbee–it’s bound to be empty
6- Toilet paper your neighbor’s yard. They won’t be home
5- People watch in the food court
4- Play mall bingo (click bingo image to right–thx ddb!)
3- Go on a date
2- Learn a foreign language
1- Think of awesome names for the two female German Shepard puppies I’m going to adopt soon

The managing editor of current events and culture for RBDN stopped me by the office water cooler this morning and mentioned I should blog more about our current economic crisis. “Put a positive spin on it, Mr. Byrd, people need a little pick-me-up.” I thanked her for her suggestion and sat down at my laptop to brainstorm.

First, the bad news, apparently no one has a job anymore and everyone just got foreclosed on and the world markets are down the tubes. Time for some unsolicited advice!

Top Ten Ways to Save Money in this Down Economy

10- If you’re currently trying to gain weight so you can be a bouncer/cage fighter and so you have to buy and eat a lot of food, stop it.
9- Quit buying stuff (No Black Friday!)
8- Ask “What Would Suze Orman Do?”
7- Get things for free
6- Barter
5- Make all of your Christmas gifts — discover the inner artist!
4- Ride a scooter to work
3- No more dinner and a movie dates– get creative
2- Start a home-based business. Step one: eBay all your old junk
1- Celebrate holidays a day or two late, in order to take advantage of after-holiday sales (warning, your kids will probably hate you…)

Jon Krakauer tells this melancholic true story of a promising yet confused young man (Chris McCandless) who meets an early death through a terrible collision of bad luck and extreme risk taking. Into the Wild* is a sad recounting of the last four months of Chris’ life. Chris, inspired by Thoreau and Jack London, sets off into the Alaskan wilderness in a desperate, deliberate attempt for adventure, to find himself and to make sense of a world he found hypocritical and unbearable. Here’s an excerpt:

On the northern margin of the Alaska Range, just before the hulking ramparts of Mt. McKinley and its satellites surrender to the low Kantishna plain, a series of lesser ridges, known as the Outer Range, sprawls across the flats like a rumpled blanket on an unmade bed. Between the flinty crests of the two outermost escarpments of the Outer Range runs an east-west trough, maybe five miles across, carpeted in a boggy amalgam of muskeg, alder thickets, and veins of scrawny spruce. Meandering through the tangled, rolling bottomland is the Stampede Trail, the route Chris McCandless followed into the wilderness. … [the following note was left by Chris by his campsite where hikers later found his body:] S.O.S. I NEED YOUR HELP. I AM INJURED, NEAR DEATH, AND TOO WEAK TO HIKE OUT OF HERE. I AM ALL ALONE, THIS IS NO JOKE. IN THE NAME OF GOD, PLEASE REMAIN TO SAVE ME. I AM OUT COLLECTING BERRIES CLOSE BY AND SHALL RETURN THIS EVENING. THANK YOU, CHRIS MCCANDLESS. AUGUST?

* Yes, it was made into a movie

I’ve talked about crazy side effects of prescription drugs before. Miraplex occasionally causes “increased gambling, sexual or other intense urges.” Well, there’s a new winner for cure-worse-than-affliction drugs: introducing Chantix, an anti-smoking pill.

I saw a commercial for Chantix recently and they mentioned the typical side effects: nausea, sleep disorder, gas, sleeplessness, constipation, headache, and loss of taste. Those seem annoying, but ultimately just irritations.

Then they mentioned some of the other side effects, including: reports of depressed mood, agitation, changes in behavior, vivid nightmarish dreams, suicidal thoughts and suicide.

Wow. I’m guessing the brilliant pharmaceutical scientists need to spend a little longer in the lab on this one…

CNN is reporting that famed author Michael Crichton passed away yesterday after a long battle with cancer. Crichton was 66 years old. I’ve probably read every book that Crichton wrote. My favorites include Congo, State of Fear, Prey and of course Jurassic Park, and The Lost World.

I still remember watching Jurassic Park back in 1993 and my awe at the realistic CG depictions of dinosaurs–those clever, ferocious velicoraptors had me in nightmares for a week afterwords. That movie was years ahead of its time. It didn’t hurt that superstar composer John Williams wrote much of the soundtrack. I think I listened to Journey to the Island a million times since then. Crichton will be missed.

Barack Obama predictably won the US presidential election last night. The electoral vote count makes it look like a landslide, but that’s the effect of a winner-take-all system in most states. McCain gave a heartfelt concession speech followed by Obama’s victory address. McCain said this was “an historic occasion”, and I completely agree. Whatever the individual reasons behind voting, that a minority and particularly a black man, could become president of the United States, is extraordinarily inspiring. America has long billed itself as a land of opportunity, where *anyone* can succeed. Last night she gave hope to an downtrodden nation and to an beleaguered world.

Obviously many, myself included, are worried about Obama’s policies.* Many wonder how he will make good on all of his promises. Certainly America needs now a decisive and effective leader.

As for the other races, the Democrats needed 51 seats for “control” of the Senate, and 60 seats for a super-majority. They only got 56, which is to say Republicans still have fillibuster capability. That means that effective legislation will require bipartisanship.

And then we have California’s Proposition 8– we’re still waiting for that outcome…

* Yesterday, Get Some Guns and Ammo was overflowing with concerned citizens buying ammunition and guns, fearful that Obama would limit their access to weapons.

This Tuesday, November 4th, marks an historical point in American history. Never before have the leading contenders for this nation’s leadership included a black man and a woman. They represent social and ideological change and change is what is needed. By nearly any measure, our nation is experiencing tough times. Employment is down as layoffs increase. Food prices are up. Housing prices are at record lows. The stock market is an erratic mess. And if our present situation is clear, our future is anything but. Concerns loom over climate change. Medicaid and Social Security are predicted to go broke within our lifetimes. America is engaged in unpopular wars. Millions of Americans do not have health care. The United States of America, once looked on as a beacon of hope and opportunity and freedom is increasingly the object of international scorn and derision.

Retrospectively, it’s easy to see how we arrived here. America’s unfettered appetite for bigger and better led to severe over-dependence on foreign oil– dumping countless trillions of dollars into the coffers of those who hate us most (Venezuela, Iran, Saudi Arabia etc.) As we gorged on petroleum, the rest of the industrialized world poured money into alternative fuels and electric/hybrid vehicle research. Norway generates 99% of it’s electricity from hydro plants. Germany’s landscape is dotted with wind farms. The world’s most popular hybrid, the Toyota Prius, is Japanese. In America, we have monster trucks.

Adding to that, our rabid capitalistic zeal inspired us to pursue risky/speculative lending and financing — to a fault (all made possible by an unregulated investment banking system) — which zeal precipitated the collapse of several key banks. That collapse compelled Congress to authorize the unprecedented bailout landing 1/5 of all US mortgages under the control of Uncle Sam.

And then there is Iraq and Afghanistan. Whatever you believe about why we are there, serious consideration needs to be taken to getting out, yet leaving a framework for future stability. America has overstretched itself abroad and is spending billions and losing lives all the while making far too little progress. And then we have the terrorism/war-related problems of the Patriot Act, Guantanamo Bay and the ever-reactionary TSA.

We need leadership. We need a return to the American ideals of ingenuity and hard work and sacrifice. We need change. Like a majority of Americans, I’m not a huge fan of the incumbent president. I think George Bush has done little to move this country forward. Whether the blame lies with him or his cabinet is debatable, but business as usual is not a viable option going forward.

There is a lot of uncertainty. What will the two rivals do with taxes? Gun control? Laws concerning abortion? Health care? Energy infrastructure? How will they interact on the global stage (with Israel, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Korea, etc?) What will happen after US troops pull out of Iraq? Will our current downward momentum into economic depression be too hard to reverse? Can a country, now divided, unite behind the newly elected president?

What to do? Well, let’s meet the candidates:

Sarah Palin– Sarah bungled her televised interviews BIG time but she appears sweet and authentic. She’s hip, determined, cool, feisty and brings energy. Hailing from Alaska, she might be somewhat naive and insular.

John McCain — John’s squeaky voice whines as he calls us his friends, but he looks like a fighter. He is terrifically old and is consequently viewed by many to be slow and out of touch. On the other hand, he is a seasoned politician with a clear record.

Barack Obama — Barack, with his infomercial spectacle (where he oddly defined middle class as making less than $200,000.00), is generally smooth and composed. On policy matters, he agrees with abortion and probably with socialized health care. He comes across as thoughtful and composed and presidential. He is, however, largely untested and lacks much real political experience. (Obama also apparently has a running mate, but the media doesn’t care about him.)

So, consider the issues, and then vote! After that, you can be entertained by BarackObamaEatsBabies.com and by watching this video clip from CatholicVote.com:

I’ve had this variants of this conversation a dozen times with native Fairbankian Alaskans:

me: It’s freezing!
them: It’s not bad– you should be here when it’s forty below!
me: (no thanks!) It’s feels pretty cold to me now…
them: At forty below your spit will freeze before it hits the ground. You can even pick it up!
me: uh, okay. (Q. why would anyone want to pick up frozen spittle?)

The moral of the story, I suppose, is that it can nearly always get colder. Also, it’s futile to talk to Alaskans about the weather– they’re proud of their long-suffering.

Since my stay in Alaska has practically turned me into Mr. Alaska, I thought I’d profit from this public forum by revealing some fast facts and by debunking some common Alaskan myths.

Myth: Everything is bigger in Texas
Fact: Not so fast Texans, Alaska is 2.3 times the size of Texas. So large, in fact, it’s bigger than the next four largest states combined.

Myth: Alaska is weird.
Fact: While Alaska does has it’s fair share of odd laws (It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. and you’re not allowed to wake up a bear for the purpose of taking its picture), you’ll actually find normal people in the larger cities.

Myth: Everyone lives in igloos.
Fact: Only two in five Alaskans list an igloo as their primary residence.

Myth (started by me): It’s a million degrees below zero in Alaska.
Fact:The coldest ever recorded temperature in Alaska was -80 degrees F at Prospect Creek in the Brooks Range. What is also true is that everyone plugs their cars in (well, they plug in a heating element on the engine block) — not just the diesels, so the vehicles will start in the cold. That means that nearly every parking lot features waist-high power towers lined at the top with electrical outlets.

Myth: Alaska is filled with hillbillies.
Fact: They might be rugged outdoors people, but they ain’t no dummies. They’ve exercised smart fiscal policy from the beginning. You’ll recall Alaska was bought from Russia in 1867 for only 7.2 million dollars (2 cents an acre). Thirteen years later gold was discovered there. Later, they drilled and found mega quantities of oil. Suckas! Alaska has so much money, you get paid to live there– this year–$3,200 for every man, woman and child!

Myth: No one lives in Alaska.
Fact: 614,000 people – that’s about 1 per square mile. If you can’t see anyone, walk a few miles.

Myth: No one famous has ever come from Alaska.
Fact: Renowned artist and orphan child, Bennie Benson, brilliant designer of the Alaskan flag, was Alaskan. Bennie was only 13 at the time (1926)

What you don’t know is that many people in Alaska live quite simply. It’s common to heat your house off heating oil. It’s common to have no running water (there are weekly water deliveries to a tank which connects via a hose to a sink in the house. For the used water, while sometimes drainage exists, ofttimes a bucket under the sink (emptied daily) does the job.) As well, it’s not too strange to still have an outhouse.

So while Alaska might be intentionally primitive, like a perpetual campground, it is home to some great people. I met one, Kinsey, while I was arguing with a born-again minister in the student center at the University of Alaska. Hi Kinse! Everyone’s favorite archeologist, Jules, is even a native. Obviously, our very own William Attwood is also from Alaska. See, Alaska isn’t all bad.

My Alaskan Air flight just touched down here in Fairbanks, Alaska. Yes, it’s cold here. But how cold, you ask? I’ve decided to introduce the RBDN CRS (Coldness Rating Scale). Here’s how it works. There are seven increasing tiers, with four levels each:

I. Chilly (windbreaker recommended)
II. Visible breath (a real coat will make things better)
III. Face slap (parka needed)
IV. Nose hair /snot freeze (add gloves, scarf)
V. Bone chill (throw on thermals, and layered sweaters as well)
VI. Deep freeze– uncontrolled body shivering, fine motor control in extremities impeded (you need to get indoors fast)
VII. Absolute zero (all molecular motion ceases. You’re dead)

And, in case you’re wondering, it’s a Level 2 Face Slap on the RBDN CRS here in Fairbanks right now.