Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

Rudy Eugene had 4 marijuana convictions as well…

 

A grill, in case you’re not glued to BET, is a metal dental appliance molded over the front teeth, often of gold or silver, and inlaid with precious stones. Rappers wear them while singing about how poor and disadvantaged the urban areas are, as a point of irony: “People be dying, got nothin’ to eat, but my grill is platinum, ’cause I’m from the street.“*

But that’s not what we’re talking about AT ALL today. We’re talking about outdoor cooking, barbecue grillin’, yo. There is a clearly defined hierarchy of grilling devices, and if you weren’t aware, it means you have a propane grill. That’s level 1.

Byrd’s Levels of Grilling (BLG)

1. Propane grills (start here)
2. Charcoal grills (may or may not involve the use of wooden planks), yes they’re retro and that’s why they’re popular
3. Wood chip smokers (hard to beat ribs smoked over mesquite, hickory or apple wood chips)
4. Built in, bricked, backyard natural gas grills (these are must haves for every well-accessorized Alpine mansion.)

Here at Byrd Manor, we sport a BLG level 0. That means for date night, we pick up a couple savory McDonald’s grilled McRib sandwiches. Who’s living large now?!?

* yes, I just made that up.

To the delight of onlookers, this morning one of my co-workers, dressed as a red-bearded, top-hatted leprechaun, bounded up to present me a foil-covered chocolate coin before laughing impishly and muttering “Oh, me pot o’ gold!” This is the clearly the behavior of a deranged person. Were I not taken aback at his madness, I might have delivered him a solid wallop for his impertinence. A crisp clout to the head, I’ve found, is an effective deterrent to inappropriate tomfoolery.

Then, during a subsequent meeting, another co-worker ribbed me for not wearing green, “someone will pinch you“, they warned.

Let them try. I imagine my reaction would be similar to the guy in my favorite youtube video, entitled “Never scare a black man”:

Blarney! An Irish Blessing to you and your family!

Last years’ New Year’s Resolutions were largely postponed as I worked on more important tasks like painting the nursery and making potato chips. I did manage to eat breakfast daily however. CHECK!

Here are my 2011 Resolutions:

• Learn to ski (better)
• Use more Latin in casual conversation
• Improve my golf game
• Write and publish a book, “Success in Raising Good Kids”
• Polish my British, Russian and Southern accents
• Become a world renowned pastry chef
• Moon Walking vlog
• Release a killer iPhone app
• Get nominated as “Man of the Year”
• Build a chicken coop, a greenhouse, and a robotic garden
• Buy an acre of land in the desert, rent a backhoe and see how big of a hole I can dig
• Buy an armored HMMWV to replace Rach’s lame Jetta
• Study an hour each (a week) of Spanish, French, Chinese and Arabic with Rosetta Stone
• SCUBA dive with sharks
• Learn to fly a helicopter
• Win another film festival
• Win a competitive eating contest

TIP: You can track your goals for the new year at 43things.com.

Have you ever been on a cruise? They’re pretty relaxing, I suppose, that is until the fire breaks out in the engine room, killing all power (electric or otherwise.) Then you’re just set adrift in the dark, with overflowing toilets, bobbing like a quadriplegic swimmer*. And then you run out of food.  Cruise liners depend on ports of call to replenish their food stores. No stops means no food. Fortunately we have the resourceful US Navy. If you’re in a tight spot, they will whoosh in and save you. Unfortunately, they are run by sadists, for the emergency rations they provided the stranded cruise-goers  consisted of SPAM, Pop Tarts and Krab meat (that’s with a ‘k’ because it’s imitation crab meat.)**

Still, the octogenarians seemed in good spirits as they were tugged into the San Diego harbor yesterday. I guess if you’ve made it through the great depression, the Clinton Era and the 80s, you can make it through anything.

Of course, making it through anything is helpful if you’re wealthy enough to cruise around all the time. And that makes me think of Josh Coates. Josh was giving a presentation once on venture capital and he introduced me to a term: Jet Rich. Being rich is one thing, but if you’re rich enough to afford a jet (~100M net worth Josh estimated), you’ve arrived, or so he claimed. Some of you know Josh because he founded a online backup company (Mozy), but others of you know that he was in the Freedom Festival parade driving a tank. A real M18 Hellcat tank. I’d like to coin a new term: Tank Rich. One day I’ll be Tank Rich.

And speaking of jets, there is a song playing on the radio lately with this refrain:

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

And what, you ask, is a G6? It’s a Gulfstream jet that costs about 60 million. Now you know. And yes, I was a Chilean Miner for Halloween. What were you supposed to be?

* Is that offensive? To be clear, it’s you that’s bobbing, not the toilets.
** imitation krab meat is Alaskan white fish dyed and flavored

Said former NPR news analyst Juan Williams:

I mean, look, Bill, I’m not a bigot. You know the kind of books I’ve written about the civil rights movement in this country. But when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous.

Which, obviously, got Williams fired. Sure, 9/11 was enacted by Muslims, and yes, those terrorist actions were celebrated by a majority of of Muslims worldwide, but that’s no reason for Williams to be so hurtful. Terrorists have feelings too.

Clearly Williams forgot the basic tenets of liberalism, which I’ll reprint here for your reference:

the Liberal/NPR Credo

• If you don’t have truth or logic on your side, use the media to influence opinion
• Never admit bias.
• Muslims can do no harm (corollary: Christians can do no right)
• Christians and Republicans must be portrayed as crazy, uneducated hillbillies
• Democrats are always forward-thinking, caring, open-minded and educated
• All modern families must include gender and sexually-confused individuals
• It’s evil to be wealthy, unless you’re a minority and/or female.
• The Constitution guarantees certain inalienable rights such as free housing, universal health care and escape from the death penalty.
• Churches (non-Islamic) breed hate and bigotry
• Drugs should be legalized
• God doesn’t exist. Religion is a crutch for weak, stupid people
• All war is always wrong

I hope we’ve  all learned a valuable lesson here:  stick with the liberal agenda or you’ll be terminated! NPR will sadly lose their government funding over this well-publicized gaffe. It’s a good thing they still have George Soros and Bruce Bastian!

If you know me, you know I was kind of a BIG DEAL in the Utah Science fair circuit back in '94-'96. From computer controlled robotic arms, to electrostatic generators to electric cars, my research projects cemented my desire to study electronics and engineering.

If I'm the biggest tech blogger in Utah (and I am), I owe some credit to the Utah Science Search, Utah Power and Light Science Fair, and the Westinghouse Science Fair competitions for providing a forum (and generous cash awards) for my basement tinkerings. Here's an inspiring clip from our president as he hosted some upcoming nerds at the Whitehouse:

I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no, I did not win the sexiest man alive award (they tell me I was narrowly edged out by Hugh Jackman) Ha! But seriously folks! What you’re really thinking is “what can I get Ryan for Christmas this year?” Perhaps:

• Diamond jewelry?
• Cash?
• A life-sized roman soldier for my living room?

No, no and no. What you should get me (or anyone else you love, really) is something you MAKE– something like original art, or a plate of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies, or maybe matching spiked collars for beloved dogs. Consider giving, as well, an original choral composition, a clay heart, or a groomed bonsai tree. These all make wonderful gifts.

The recipients of your presents will like you more, Christmas will seem more meaningful and less commercial and you’ll get to skip the mall parking lot congestion and long shopping lines. Your gifts will also likely stand the test of time and not be quickly forgotten. So… are you in? Let’s take back the holidays.

We’ve chatted about Black Friday before. Still itching to spend, spend, spend? Here are some financial stats from Current TV‘s Maxed Out show:

• 1.2 million unemployed college graduates in the USA now
• The average college graduate owes 20,000 dollars in college loans
• 3/4 of American households carry debt
• 40% of American families annually spend more than they make
• 23% of Americans admit to having maxed out a credit card

Probably you’re already getting flyers in the mail with loss leaders enticements– great less-than-store-cost deals which draw you into the store (and into purchases you didn’t anticipate.)

Don’t misunderstand; if you’ve got lots of money, then, sure, go out and spend some. The economy works when people buy stuff. However, if you don’t have extra money, don’t be lured out at 5am for what will undoubtedly be a day of excess. You’ll regret (and pay for) it later.

So, what can you do if you’re not spending money you don’t have? Well, here at RBDN, we don’t point out problems without offering solutions.

Top Ten Things to Do Instead of Spending Money on Black Friday:

10- Glue a quarter to the mall floor and count how many people try to pick it up
9- Panhandle and/or shoplift
8- Get in line early, then, right before store opening, sell your spot
7- Go to a park and play Frisbee–it’s bound to be empty
6- Toilet paper your neighbor’s yard. They won’t be home
5- People watch in the food court
4- Play mall bingo (click bingo image to right–thx ddb!)
3- Go on a date
2- Learn a foreign language
1- Think of awesome names for the two female German Shepard puppies I’m going to adopt soon

The managing editor of current events and culture for RBDN stopped me by the office water cooler this morning and mentioned I should blog more about our current economic crisis. “Put a positive spin on it, Mr. Byrd, people need a little pick-me-up.” I thanked her for her suggestion and sat down at my laptop to brainstorm.

First, the bad news, apparently no one has a job anymore and everyone just got foreclosed on and the world markets are down the tubes. Time for some unsolicited advice!

Top Ten Ways to Save Money in this Down Economy

10- If you’re currently trying to gain weight so you can be a bouncer/cage fighter and so you have to buy and eat a lot of food, stop it.
9- Quit buying stuff (No Black Friday!)
8- Ask “What Would Suze Orman Do?”
7- Get things for free
6- Barter
5- Make all of your Christmas gifts — discover the inner artist!
4- Ride a scooter to work
3- No more dinner and a movie dates– get creative
2- Start a home-based business. Step one: eBay all your old junk
1- Celebrate holidays a day or two late, in order to take advantage of after-holiday sales (warning, your kids will probably hate you…)