Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

Two funny amazon.com book reviews (from “Discover Your Inner Economist“)

Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer

This book is one of the worst books I have ever read. I got to about page 3-4.

William Golding’s Lord of the Flies

I am obsessed with Survivor, so I thought it would be fun. WRONG!!! It is incredibly boring and disgusting. I was very much disturbed when I found young children killing each other. I think that anyone with a conscience would agree with me.

Good time of day. You are disturbed by the charitable company Redd Cross of Slovenia. We have the business offer for you. We can offer to you of earnings, thus your salary will make from 1000$ to 2000$ per one month, at an incomplete working day. Your earnings can be and higher. The more and forces you will give time, the there will be your salary more.If it is interesting to you, you write on the address of e-mail of our agent: manager_on_connections@yahoo.com he will contact you within 24 hours and will throw off to you all details, and will answer you on all your questions. Thank you for attention Redd Cross of Slovenia!

Any takers?

My sister shared this one with me over the weekend, so if you hate it, she’s to blame!

There once was a man from the sticks
Who liked to write limericks.
But he failed at the sport,
Because he wrote them too short.

A former roommate of mine was driving with his friend in the early evening when they saw two young, attractive women in red convertible stopped at a light ahead. My roommate dared his friend, saying, “I’ll give you five dollars if you can get their telephone numbers.” The two guys pulled up to the light and the friend thought for a moment before rolling down his window, leaning out and asking, “How would you two girls like to make some money?”

The girls, horrified, quickly sped off. The friend was puzzled. “I don’t understand.  I was going to split the five dollars with them…“

In case you haven’t seen it already…

Delta, in a bold cost-cutting move, has not only eliminated meal service, but they now show the same mediocre movie on both legs of a round-trip flight. (Currently showing: Stardust.)

Fortunately, they also provide shrink wrapped, blue, complementary blankets, which are soft to the touch, yet-somehow still uncomfortable, and so thin, you can crumple one into a fist-sized ball.

What can you do with that blue airline blanket?!?

UPDATE: For even more fun, you can try the airplane snacks balancing act!

• Iron/Ironing Board– heavy, pointed, filled with boiling water, irons feature a burning hot surface, and are perched atop a rickety stand with thin metal legs. Add electricity and a toddler-accessible cord, and you’re ready for disaster. To boot, says comedian Brian Regan, “every iron board I’ve ever opened sounds like a witch being boiled in oil.”
• Internal combustion powered vehicle– just like electric vehicles, except gas cars deplete natural resources, contribute to air pollution, require constant maintenance, and rely on foreign oil (which costs are ever mounting.)
• Trick or treating– teach your kids to accept food from strangers. Also, dress your daughters like working girls.
• US measuring system– With no consistent relationship between increasing units, a complex conversion to the metric system, and adopted by only a handful of countries, it’s hard to see why everyone doesn’t use feet and inches.
• QWERTY keyboard– here’s an idea, let’s scramble the keys to confuse typists and induce carpal tunnel!
• Airplane intercom system– require a system to sound like a staticy CB radio, even though the pilot is only 30 feet in front of you? We have just what you need.
• Side-view automobile mirrors (where objects appear farther than they actually are)– who wants accurate representation when traveling at 75MPH?
• Shuffle skirt– who prefers walking unimpeded? Slow locomotion to a jerky gait with these starch-stiff, jean, ankle-length skirts with no kick slits. They make a great gifts for the fast women in your life.
• Salt canister opening– each top sports a screeching, razor-sharp metal lid eager to slice a finger so salt can pour into your wound. (thx Brian Regan)

This year my day-job company encouraged employees to come to work in costume. Now, there are costumes and then there are super-costumes. I’m all about the latter. For the past five years I’ve been collecting pieces of Roman armor (What? you have a better hobby?) They’re great for “armor of god” lessons in church. Finally, this past week, I obtained the remaining parts to my Roman soldier super-costume and I wore it to work on Friday. Some thoughts on the experience:

When Mormons asked who I was, I told them Captain Moroni. Otherwise, I said Julius Caesar.

I managed to get the costume on all by myself (quite the effort in the parking lot.) I worked all day long dressed like this. It felt anachronistic to be debugging database problems when I should have been fighting Goths and Vandals or beating down a peasant insurrection.

Tunics are like mini-skirts– they don’t leave much to the imagination, particularly when you sit down. Fortunately I wore a pair of red shorts to preserve a bit of dignity and modesty.

Authentic Roman leather sandals look cool, but the raw leather quickly began to scrape skin off from my feet, causing considerable pain. Maybe socks with sandals isn’t such a bad idea after all?!?

Very Noisy. This might be obvious, what with the metal and all, but it came as a surprise to me. The armor makes a lot of noise clanking and rattling around. There were no sneak attacks for the Romans. If ever you hear a story that goes, “and then this Roman soldier snuck up behind me,” don’t believe it.

The armor is heavy. Extremely heavy. As the day wore on, my shoulders began to ache and I began to slump forward under the pressure. Also, the collar of the segmented plates chaffed and bruised my neck by the end of the day. No wonder Roman soldiers were so barbarous– all that chaffing!

The sandal treads are many small rivet heads which probably work great on dirt but provide the same traction as 100 greased air hockey pucks when on office tile.

People kept asking if I was a Spartan. No. Spartans are from Sparta. Sparta is a city in Greece. Spartans are Greek, not Roman. You’all have been watching too much 300. Gosh.

Armor is hard to put on by yourself. I needed the Roman equivalent of a squire or page. It’s even hard to tie your sandals in full armor. It’s even more difficult when you have on the metal shin guards (not pictured.) Again, a squire would have been nice.

Conversation with my mom

me: [showing her the super-costume]

mom:”You look just like those bad soldiers who were mean to Jesus in the church movies.”

me: “Well Mom, to be accurate, the Jews were the ones who delivered Jesus to the Romans…”

I’m getting a lot of email this week from female RBDN regulars asking for Halloween costume advice. These women have tired of the overwhelming variety of girl costumes available online and in stores including: Sexy Pirate, Sexy School Girl, Sassy Sailor, Cutie Conductor, Sexy Mobster Girl, Sexy Football player, Sexy Vampire, Sexy Navy Girl, Sexy Baseball player, Sexy Pilot, Oriental Delight, French Maid, Sexy Kansas Girl , Sexy French Princess, Sexy Witch, Naughty Nurse, Sinful Nun, and Sexy NASCAR driver.

If your goal to to look like a prostitute, you have lots of options! Strangely enough, many women seem to be looking for something a bit different. Wanting to help my readers, I put on the old thinking cap and have come up with a list of novel costume ideas for you’all. Not all are winners, but I think you’ll find some outside-the-box thinking. I’ve borrowed some good ideas from friends as well. Some costume ideas are for guys, too. Enjoy!

• Wacky
  • You could paint a box to look like a bedside table and glue a mug on top and a small lamp and maybe a pair of eyeglasses. Then cut a hole for your head, arms and body. When people ask what you say you’re a “one night stand.”
  • Some metal tubing and a trip to Walmart and tah dah! you’re the Karate Kid shower
  • A large clock hangs around your neck and some painted cardboard in the shape of a giant hammer and it’s hammer time
  • Circular cardboard with a handle, and two large simulated eggs equals: your brain on drugs
  • A wild-eyed woman with a NASA shirt in diapers is a crazy astronaut
  • Any fast food shirt with a cap and you can go as an English major
  • A large zipper down the front with a “My Name is: Jack” sticker and voila: jack the zipper

• Utah Specific/Mormon Reference
  • Gather up a few girl friends and a guy and you could all go as a polygamist family. The women wear plain looking dresses and put their hair up under a handkerchief. No makeup allowed!
  • Carry a large sign that says “God hates Sinners” and talk in a very loud voice and you’re a General Conference Protester
  • Dress up like the number one and carry a saxophone or a guitar. If people ask what you are, tell them you’re a musical number.

• Formal
  • Ladies Only! A little black dress and a sleek silver briefcase with a million dollar sign and you can be a Deal or No Deal game show Lady (also works as a group theme)

• Political
  • A noose and a “My Name is: Chad” sticker: hanging chad
  • A pillow under your shirt and a “My Name is: Chad” sticker: pregnant chad
  • A surrender sign, a beret, metro-sexual clothing and a strong accent makes you a French Man

And speaking of all things Halloween, have you been to Odyssey Dance Company’s Thriller? You really must go.

Random Youtube Videos to Watch:

• Gabe & Max’s Internet Infomercial
• How to play “The Office” on piano
• Allison Crowe’s Hallelujah

xkcd hopefully will forgive me for posting their bowdlerized comic. I’m only doing it in sad memorial of the otherwise smart guy at work who thinks the moon landing was faked.