Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

Some people are getting sick of this never-ending cancer list, but that’s an irony I’m not prepared to consider. Here are more awesome things to occupy your hospital time:

1. Malcolm Gladwell said (in his book Outliers) the key to success in any field is, to a large extent, a matter of practicing a specific task for a 10,000 hours. So, start today to become an expert.
2. Play “Words with Friends” (a scrabble-knockoff) with random people. It’s an iPhone app.
3. Read every Pulitzer Prize Fiction winner.
4. Watch the American Film Institute’s 100 funniest movies.
5. Watch every Cannes Film Festival’s Palme d’Or winner.
6. Create some original artwork and sell it.
7. Blog.
8. Do something nice for someone you don’t know.
9. Grow a beard.
10. Write hand-written letters to people. Use cursive.

Chemotherapy treatment can take a long time– weeks or months. You’ll be in the hospital for that time. Boring!

What to do? Here is a soon-to-be-illustrated list with awesome ideas to pass the time.

1. Search for words that rhyme with chemotherapy. I can think of five.
2. Write a short story of how a brave dragon beats the rogue cancer cell invasion army. Draw pictures to accompany it.
3. Brainstorm how you would rob an armored car. Rules: No “knockout gas” is allowed. Also, no one can get hurt.
4. Consider this: there are an infinite number of infinitely small slices in the space we call a yard. If a rabbit were hopping toward a tree, one yard away, and with each hop it cut the distance in half, it would never reach the tree… and yet it does. Discuss.
5. Automotive engineers are the laziest people on the planet. they designed the car to resemble a boat. Think about it– both cars and ships both have steering wheels. They both can steer forward left and forward right, but are not capable of purely horizontal movement. Boats and cars both have motors in the back and are awkward to reverse. If engineers were smarter, and dropped the nautical motif, the back wheels would turn and parallel parking would be easy. what other paradigms have we not cast away? (pun intended)
6. Try to draw a perfect circle freehand. it’s a lot harder than it sounds. The artist Giotto di Bondone painted a perfect circle for the pope as a demonstration of his skills.
7. The problem with Africa is Corruption. Followed by disease, infrastructure, and education. You’re given one year to govern the Ivory Coast with complete power. How do you set up a sustainable democracy to fix their problems?
8. Some colors are also names of objects of that color: Rose, Ivory, Lavender, Coral, Orange. Can you think of any others?
9. Green means go and red means stop, but red and green color blindness is the most common kind. Is there a better way to indicate stop and go?
10. How many times can you fold a sheet of paper again and again in half? Try it and see.
11. Crochet a rug. It’s actually pretty simple to do. Look it up on YouTube.
12. Can you flick your hand in such a way so that your index and middle fingers smack together with an audible snapping sound? Brazilians and LDS missionaries to Brazil can. Try it.
13. Can you spin a pencil around your forefinger? It’s a staple trick of high school debaters and law students. Learn how.
14. They say the ability to curl one’s tongue is genetic, but I’m not convinced. More research (by you) is needed.
15. Dih dih dih dah dah dah dih dih dih is Morse code for SOS, which stands for Save Our Ship– it’s the universal distress code. Now’s as good a time as any to learn Morse code. You can master it in a week or two.
16. Work on perfecting writing with your non-dominant hand. It is a great tool for writing ransom notes which can’t be traced back to you
17. Why don’t flashlights (usually) flash?
18. Are there magic numbers? Why do things exist in 2s or 3s so often?
19. Contrary to the lyrics, there just aren’t very many songs about rainbows. Now is a great time to write one.
20. You’re starting a colony on Mars and you can take ten different people with you. Which occupations would you pick?
21. You have the opportunity to take one penny from every bank account in the world and give that money to charity. Most people wouldn’t even notice or miss that cent but the impact to the non profit is huge. You wouldn’t get caught. Do you do it?
22. You can probably learn to juggle while sitting up in bed. Start with silk handkerchiefs
23. If you’re throwing up a lot, you might consider compiling a list of foods with their unpleasantness of throwing up rankings. Fruit juice probably burns for example.
24. Young/old people are so ignorant. If only they would realize _________
25. French is, without argument, the most beautiful language. Brush up on it.
26. Chinese is, without argument, the most useful language. Learn it.
27. Does someone really annoy you? Order them twenty pizzas, cash on delivery.
28. Do you really appreciate someone? Donate to their blog fund.
29. Call your senator and scream at them. They’ve likely recently done something yell-worthy.
30. Jot down your opinions on: hippies, gangstas, lawyers, Canadians, professional athletes and Obama.
31. The problem with the American justice system is that it’s not just (fair) at all. Two people can commit the same crime in the same situation and get two very different judicial results depending on the cleverness of their attorneys, the ineptness of the arresting officer and the incompetence of the judge. How could we improve the system?
32. The problem with strictly vilifying stereotypes is it doesn’t account for the possibility that women might be better nurturers, that men might be better at math and that a 20 year old Arab might be more likely to hijack your plane than would an 80 year old Jewish woman. How can rationality exist with political correctness?
33. Why are pages intentionally left blank?
34. It’s never a bad time to plant paint a tree.
35. Get the latest copy of the Guinness Book of World Records and break a record (Largest Gathering of People Dressed Like Gorillas/Largest Gathering of People Dressed Like Smurfs)
36. Learn to play the guitar
37. Invent a board game (Duopoly?)
38. Scrapbook something.
39. Make something to sell on Etsy.
40. Publish an article about your travels.

TO BE CONTINUED…

WET- White Entertainment Television would be wrong. That’s racist, right? BET- Black Entertainment Television is okay though. Racism, in case you wondered, is NOT preferential treatment to one race, instead it’s giving the advantage to the majority. Everyone knows that’s a bad idea. It’s perfectly reasonable and ethical, on the other hand, to have Black-only, or Hispanic-only scholarships. It’s okay to have the NAACP or the NAA[anyone not white]P.

Here’s why: non-minorities are bad. If you’re in the majority, it’s essential to feel guilty because of the evil things that your people did in the past. Your ancestors were monsters. In fact, just being who you are is embarrassing. White people are awkward. They can’t dance. Or jump. Or have diverse thoughts. Or have soul. They’re really not very funny (largely because they’re not permitted to tell racist jokes.) Caucasians really aren’t good at anything but oppressing minorities, committing white-collar crimes that have no jail-time and shopping at farmers’ markets. Oh, and stealing culture from other races.

Activists are quick to explain, “you go through centuries of oppression and then you’ll have the right to complain.” But we shouldn’t miss the hypocrisy in battling inequality and racism only to end up racist and a promoter of inequality yourself. Either you’re for equality and fairness or you’re not. Either we’re colorblind, or we’re not. We can’t have it both ways. Justice Rehnquist said, “the evil inherent in discrimination against [a minority] is its grounding in an immutable characteristic… discrimination is no less evil if it offers preferential treatment to [that minority].”

“But,” you protest, “fair-skinned people really can’t dance! They’re no good at all!“

I guess you’ve not seen these two colorless hipsters, rapping and dancing to a dope beat about economics:

Last night the fam gathered at the BYU MOA, an art institution universally acclaimed for promoting non-controversial, uninspiring, preachy artwork. On current display, is a truck load of Carl Bloch’s paintings and etchings. Carl, never a huge hit in his own country (Denmark), has been adopted by Mormons as a religiously-oriented painter who “get’s it.” And by “it” we mean, mostly boringly predictable, very large, stylized biblical paintings. The kind old guide lady at the entrance piped up long enough to tell us that a particular painting of Carl’s home life showed a mini-Christus on the mantel, and that was sure-proof that Carl was basically a Saint. That’s great news for the masses of Desert Book-goers who snatch up homiletic, kitschy iconography for prominent hearth display.

Unsurprisingly, I tired quickly of Bloch’s banality and made my way downstairs to another exhibit, At War!– a fascinating glimpse into war posters and propaganda.  They’re at once disturbing, funny and thought-provoking. You should go see for yourself.

Even our recently deceased Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss) created a war poster or two. I snapped a few clandestine photos for your benefit. Via la revolution! Art WANTS to be FREE! Enjoy.

No, we’re not talking about the recent mass animal deaths– those birds weren’t angry, just dead. We’re talking about mobile apps. Everyone knows that Angry Birds is the best iPhone app on the planet (it’s only second best on Jupiter.) Now, some uber-nerdy 8th grader in Spanish Fork, Utah (Robert Nay) created a wildly popular new cellphone game (called Bubble Ball) which many are calling the Angry Bird Killer. No, little Robby didn’t program it up in straight Objective C, he used a nifty shortcut tool called an SDK (specifically the Corona SDK) which has a built-in physics engine. Don’t get me wrong, hat’s off to Robby and his tech mom for doing this. Obviously, I would have done this when I was 14 if cellphones had existed back then (I did write some epic BASIC games for the Commodore 64.) What were you doing at 14?

Maybe it’s time to review one of our trusty SUVAT equations (s = displacement, u = initial velocity, v = final velocity, a = acceleration, t = time): s=s0+vt-(1/2)at^2

The real question is why *you* haven’t made a physics game for the iPhone? What’s wrong with you? It’s so easy a child can do it!

Here’s a video of the child wonder

Over the last ten days (in at least two separate occasions), 5,000 red-winged blackbirds, starlings and grackles have fallen dead to the ground in Arkansas and Louisiana, more than 100,000 drum fish have washed up in Arkansas and a chupacabra was killed in Kentucky. Is the end near? Time for you to do some reading and repenting:

1. http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/01/04/arkansas.bird.mystery/
2. http://www.newser.com/story/108839/now-100k-dead-fish-wash-up-in-arkansas.html
3. http://www.wave3.com/story/13731615/mysterious-creature-found-in-nelson-county
4. http://www.wlky.com/r/26259468/detail.html
5. http://news.lalate.com/2010/12/28/chupacabras-photos-reignite-el-chupacabra-fears/

The end of the world isn’t until 2012. Someone should tell God He’s a bit ahead of schedule.

UPDATE #4: Recent mass animal deaths shown on a Google Map.

UPDATE #3: Here is a list of wildlife mortality events over the past six months in the US

UPDATE#2 : 50-100 jackdaws, a bird species in the crow family, fell dead in central Sweden late Tuesday night

UPDATE: 100 tons of dead fish (sardine, croaker and catfish) just washed up on a Brazilian shoreline…

Most of what I learned in school is useless in real life. Deductive proofs may have thrilled my Geometry teacher in middle school, but they fall flat when I try to use them to convince Rachel we need chickens. Knowing pi to ten decimal places may have scored me a bunch of dates in college*, but as parlor tricks go, it’s not very impressive.** And then there are things that adults are just supposed to know, but were never taught, like how TO pester an Air Conditioning repair shop until they refund the money they stole from you, or how to bandage the paw of a nearly-rapid German Shepherd or 100 ways to prepare chicken and rice.

Here’s a short list of what adults are expected to know, but were never taught:

1. Finances– how money actually works
2. House management– when to replace furnace filters, why not to put liquid dish soap in the dishwasher, etc.
3. Negotiation– how to get good deals
4. Child-raising– why you shouldn’t give babies Red Bull, etc.
5. How to not fall for stupid tricks, like time-share packages, MLMs, magnetic insoles or the Democratic party
6. Not being a kid anymore– why you should stop playing video games and going to bars with your single friends once you’re married

What am I missing? What else do adults just know?

* not true
** things that are easily Googleable are less remarkable

Thomas Wentworth Higginson, minister, author, militant abolitionist, and soldier, was a literary mentor to Emily Dickinson and was key in the effort to publish her works after her death. He also wrote awesome letters, something many English teachers see as a dying art. Here, below, is a scorcher he penned to William Jennings Bryan upon reading racist comments by Bryan in the newspaper The Commoner:

I have yours of November 23 and perhaps it justifies me in writing to you with a frankness which I might not have otherwise regarded as proper. You asked me to assist in finding efficient agents for The Commoner, excuse me if I reply that although I headed your electoral ticket in the state during the last presidential election I never could have done it had you taken the position assumed of November 1st in regarded to what you call the “social equality question”. In this number [in] the paper you take a position that appears to me utterly retrograde and medieval and wholly inconsistent with your general attitude.

You also show in your way of arguing either ignorance or indifference in respect to American history when you say that no man or party has advocated social equality between the white man and the black man. The simple fact is that no man concerned in the great antislavery movement in its early days ever advocated anything else. In my own case from the first time I had house of my own in 1847 a fugitive slave always had a refuge there and was treated as a social equal. And when in the year 1857 I raised immigrant parties and accompanied them into your state in Kansas it was always under the same fiat.

It’s humiliating to me to think that a newspaper calling itself democratic in a region must [sic] made free should take such an attitude as you now assume. It is my opinion an essential part of democracy that social distinction should be merely individual not racial. Character is character, education education. What social gradations exist should be based on these and these alone and even these should be effaced as rapidly as possible. What are you or what am I that we should undertake to advocate any social law that should place us above men like Frederick Douglas or Booker Washington.

No point which The Commoner advocates so important as this and whatever its other merits it seems to me so utterly in the wrong that I have no wish to subscribe for it myself or to have it sent me and can only wish if it holds to this attitude that it may be discontinued.

(transcribed by me from today’s Diane Rehm show on Brenda Wineapple (Higginson’s biographer))

Yahoo finance has an interesting article on perspectives which poor people share. I’m guilty of a few (many?) of them. How about you? Here is a sampling of some of those bad habits and beliefs:

• You care what your car looks like — it’s transportation, not a way to impress people
• You don’t do what you enjoy — if you hate your job, you’ll spend $ relieving the stress it generates
• You don’t like to learn — a college degree doesn’t mean learning is over; rich people keep learning
• You buy things you don’t use use — America is a nation of wasteful spenders; personal storage companies are a one of the fastest growing segments of our economy
• Your house is too big — a large house leads to increased debt payments, taxes, upkeep, etc.

I first recognized the immense value of earplugs during my initial year at college when my roommate would stay up late playing his electric guitar and I had to get up at 5:00 AM for the Army ROTC. Popping in those foam bits let me sleep through hours of his poorly executed chords. As I began to travel more, I found that, on an airplane, earplugs cut the ambient, rumbling noises of peasant class even better than Bose sound canceling headphones. And then there was studying in the library– even though I’d pick the rarely used map section in the catacombs of the Harold B. Lee library, and I would sit in a study carrel, having a pair of earplugs was still essential to removing all distraction.

If you’ve ever taken a test in the infamous BYU testing center, you’ll agree that four hundred students test-taking (and praying) can be quite cacophonous– sneezing, sniffling, soul-searching, coughing, paper rustling, erasing– all of that is easily blocked with earplugs.

And then we have firearms. The first thing you’ll notice about shooting guns is that they are very, very loud. Ear protection is not only advised, it’s essential to keeping your hearing.

What else? Well, if you happen to enjoy sleeping and if you have awesome roommates who stay up very late blasting World of Warcraft (a game I have grown to despise, BTW), then earplugs and a white noise generator can be your best companions!

Thank you my friend the earplug! Reusable several times (more if you wash them (just drop in washing machine)) and portable — store them in a small plastic bag or container in your pocket for ready access. They’re handy, cheap and amazingly functional. Get some today!