Ryan Byrd’s Ramblings

A few of you know that I am an enthusiastic, yet untalented, indoor soccer player. In short, I’m not very good, but I love playing. Well, the recent indoor season ended and my team, Team Arsenal, surprisingly ended up doing pretty well– I think we were 2nd or 3rd in our league (the worst one.) Here’s a team pic:

I don’t know what would possess a group of straight men to get together to go shopping for matching socks, but whatever the incantation, the reality was that the Mexican soccer team we played against tonight was dressed to a tee in fully matching uniforms, socks included. Sadly, their zeal for proper dress did not transfer into desire for proper play. Here are the facts: in the latter part of the first half, one of their players kicked our player (Jordan) in a sensitive area. Jordan responded (understandably) by lightly pushing the man away. That man lost his balance and tumbled into the wall. Ricocheting, he countered with a wild punch that landed on Jordan’s forehead, cutting Jordan right above his eye. Jordan pushed him back again.

That’s when the entire Mexican team jumped out of the waiting box and rushed those two. I, as well, sprinted into the midst of the skirmish in an attempt to break the melee apart, but my pacifist desires were met with a harsh hit to my face which sent me reeling. The donnybrook began to further escalate before the building manager/Army-recruiter, “mad-dog” Adrianne burst on the scene, yelling and quelled the riot. She ended the game right there, giving red cards to many of the Mexican players. Oh, and we were credited with winning the game. That makes two wins for the Critical Defects. Go team go!

As you can imagine, the Mexicans were not happy with this judgment. They loitered near the exit in aggressive groups, waiting for an altercation. The guy who punched Jordan shouldered me on my way out and then a bunch of them began to meow as Charlotte and I walked to my car. I guess that’s a Mexican way of calling me a wimp. In truth, it just sounded really strange^*.

* Note to confrontational Central Americans: for your taunts to be effective, you should be sure that your cultural scoffs are well understood. Meowing is not one of those.

Podcast

If you run in any of the Salt Lake City soccer social circles, you’ve no doubt heard a lot of talk lately about the Critical Defects. Conversations have been abuzz with astonishment, speculation and praise.

I play on the Critical Defects indoor soccer team and if our rise to glory hasn’t been meteoric, without argument, the ascent has been rapid. Once a team to be derided and openly mocked; now we’re a force to be reckoned with. No longer an awkward crew of potbellied, uncoordinated computer programmers in oversized robin-blue shirts, we’ve become rock solid, near-professional soccer enthusiasts. As a testament to this, our last two games were a tie and a loss by three (7-7,10-7), and compared to our previous season, it’s clear that the Critical Defects are defects no longer!

To what can we attribute this new prowess? The twice-weekly practice sessions help. So does my motivational screaming when I’m off field. Mostly, however, we’ve managed to use the soccer games as outlets for our pent up rage and frustration. We feral computer scientists have had enough and are on the warpath. “Fight! Win! Die!” is our rallying cry before each match.

In a way it’s kind of sad, actually. We face individuals who have played soccer their entire lives. These guys were/are on high school and college teams. Imagine the ignominy as they are beaten up on by the Critical Defects, many of whose players have never played any sports (virtual sports not counting) their entire lives. It is comparable to the Russian National Chess Team being schooled in their game by a group of drunken toddlers. Oh the shame!

And this Monday we, ranked 3rd now, are up against the 7th placed team. We WILL win. Let the betting begin! (Unless sports betting is illegal in your area.)

Thanks jstroup for the photo!